Leave it to Jennifer Aniston, lovable TV star-turned-Horrible Boss, to introduce a new frontier on Bad Movies We Love: the lovable, horrible TV movie. Three cheers for network budgets and forgettable scripting! Low-five! This week's selection is the summer camp non-classic Camp Cucamonga, which features an unphotogenic cavalcade of TV stars (Candace Cameron! John Ratzenburger! Jaleel White!), Wonder Years cast members for coming-of-age credibility (Danica McKellar! Josh Saviano! Not Fred Savage!), and so much of Jennifer Aniston's old nose that she looks like... an unpolished, Degrassi version of Jennifer Aniston. Cute!
Camp Cucamonga is everything you're scared to want from a 1990 summer camp movie: song, dance, pranks, Urkel, closeted gay actors, a loner chick who wears Alannah Myles's leather jacket, neon green shirts, neon pink shorts, and neon bodacious attitudes. It's more predictable than most episodes of Full House (two Candace Cameron slams in two paragraphs -- take that, Christians!), but it's got star quality to compensate for the perky clappy braindeadness. It also sports these five radical qualities, in case you need real reasons to see this mondo, tubular, cowabunga summer flick.
5. Jennifer Aniston uses a technique called "skills" in her acting
She'd be an Emmy winner 12 years later, but at the dawn of the '90s, 21-year-old Jen was already something that many of the well-paid players in Camp Cucamonga weren't: an organism who could act. As no-nonsense counselor Ava Schector, Aniston is tough, sympathetic, and fair -- a human being, in many ways. While her costars spent their Cucamonga screentime counteracting the reputations they established on TV shows (Candace Cameron is "prissy" here; Mama's Family's regular Dorothy Lyman is "frisky"; Sherman Hemsley, as an unimportant character, is "less Amen-y than usual"), Aniston had free rein to play her part straight. Plus, no one was watching her 1990 NBC series anyway. You work that Bialik brio, old-nose Jen!
4. The comedy debut of vaudeville legend G. Gordon Liddy
Allow me to reiterate your reaction: WHAT. HOW. HIM? DAD, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. Yes, G. Gordon Liddy, the busted Watergate conspirator with the Daniel Plainview 'stache, made his first appearance as an actor in Camp Cucamonga. You may remember his recurring role on Miami Vice, but I... don't care about that. I care about sanity. I care that this is ludicrous! Controversial '70s types don't star in TV movies! That's the law! Henry Kissinger, Angela Davis, and the Son of Sam never schmoozed with Brandon Tartikoff for vanity roles alongside the dreamy, not-gay-yet Chad Allen. God! Duh! In a tiny role, Liddy serves as a downtrodden Cucamonga staffer. It's not memorable, mysteriously, but it is touted on the Camp Cucamonga VHS box in a spiky, "Batteries Included!"-style blurb. All the 11-year-olds are talking about Gordy, it seems.
3. Urkel is not Urkel, guys.
Jaleel White, known to 101% of homo sapiens as Family Matters nerd Steve Urkel, is not Steve Urkel. In Camp Cucamonga, he's a confident, rapping ladies' man. Riiiight. I'm not willing to accept it either, so let's meet halfway and call him Ur-Kelly. Ur-Kelly's up for a little bump-'n-grind with other campers, and he spouts wisdom too! Defending his athleticism, Ur-Kelly says, "Troy, every black kid isn't Bo Jackson -- but I do OK!" Approaching a lay-day, he coos, "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you." And for some reason, the movie all but drops his character near the end of the movie. That's right: Even in the safe confines of Camp Cucamonga, Ur-Kelly is subject to the Judy Winslow curse.
2. Danica McKellar's hostile Winnie-ing
Sure, Candace Cameron isn't a revelation as a haughty teen obsessed with makeup (looking like a kabuki tribute to JonBenét Ramsey while she's at it), but the real jaw-dropper is Wonder Years alum Danica McKellar, who tries so hard as the angst-infested protagonist Lindsay that I have to give her... credit? A heavy fine? A livid stare? A lesson she'll never forget? Not sure. Other campers mock her metal t-shirts and uncombed hair -- "Clearly jealous, zero fashion sense," snaps Cameron, before her friend adds, "I don't know. Maybe she's got a date with Dracula." -- but Lindsay's a defiant leather-wearer who doesn't care who she blows off. Or what! Or anything! She doesn't care about anything. If you guessed she comes from a broken home, you'd be reducing this movie to cliches, and you'd also be correct. For kicks, let's investigate Winnie's whiny whinnying and uncover her emotional arc in Camp Cucamonga using pictorials. Behold, a photographic journey:
Fin. That's Shanghai Surprise-level emoting right there. On The Wonder Years, McKellar's aloofness was compelling because Kevin Arnold always admired her from afar. Here, the crestfallen stares are not what the character requires. But I tell you what -- this Danica McKellar person? Is compelling to watch in her natural state. I could get lost in the space between her bangs and doe eyes. Which is not a lot of space at all, really. I consider that impressive.
1. The finest music video since... Mozart
For a split second in the latter half of the movie, the camp owner (John Ratzenberger) decides that Camp Cucamonga might shut down. To save the magical preteenia, Lindsay comes up with an idea to make a music video that promotes the camp. It is an unprecedented success, and you can see why below. It's ZESTY. Lindsay's crushable friend Frankie (the dreamy, aforementioned pre-gay Chad Allen) thinks she's so smart, saying, "Your video idea really worked! What do you say we become the new Paula Abdul and Michael Jackson?" Timely! The music throughout Camp Cucamonga is fabulously ambient and chime-y, like "Take My Breath Away" or "Save the Best for Last" is going to break out at any moment, but you can't beat the featured music video. Jive, Danica, jive! Gyrate, Jaleel, gyrate! Quietly back away, Jen, quietly.