I can usually judge whether I like a person based on how much they love Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do they relish in the grace of Bloodsport? The glory of Kickboxer? The sad-looking Raul Julia of Street Fighter? Then they are fine citizens. I hope those mensches are as torqued as I am for Assassination Games, the new Van Damme joint with a red band trailer that just arrived at our doorstep. Do I smell Oscar in the air? Or is that just the nutritional allure of raw brussel sprouts?
Get a load of that heavy narration. What is this, the trailer for Rent-A-Cop? Is Van-Damme playing the Liza Minnelli role? Brb, must add this idea to my dreamboard.
I'm a little unnerved that the film's description ("Two rivals will become allies") is so reminiscent of Double Team, but I'm on board otherwise. Jean-Claude's stony, David-Cassidy-now face is equipped, as are his mumblecore acting talents and awesomecore karate brio. Since JCVD reignited interest in the very troubled star, I'm rooting for Assassination Games to enter the pantheon of Bad Movies We Love like every other Van Damme caper. Except I'm also rooting for an Oscar. For Best Unsupportive Bicycle Kick. Try your tricks now, Melissa Leo.
Verdict: Guilty of being my hero
ยท 'Assassination Games' Trailer -- JCVD Fights Back (Against Good Filmmaking) [Slashfilm]