Judging by the amount of money spent on The Green Lantern, somebody really wants us to see this kelly-green caper. Unfortunately, I'm done waiting on Ryan Reynolds now that I've already adored him in a scatfest from 2002 called National Lampoon's Van Wilder. Is it a superhero's tale? Not quite. Is it worth $300 million in production and marketing all the same? Yes, because I believe the price of dog ejaculation humor should be nine figures.
National Lampoon's Van Wilder is bad, girls. It's about a guy named Van (Reynolds) who refuses to leave college because he's having too great a time driving a golf cart to class, womanizing, wisecracking, and exhibiting the eyebrow affectations of Ace Ventura's sociopath cousin. You'll never guess who changes him for the better. Just guess. The answer is: a smart girl who is at first unimpressed with him. Unbelievable! Here's what you may not have known about that smart girl: She's played by Tara Reid. We are laughing in unison, reader!
In this predictable teen comedy, there are still five major areas of lovable idiocy. Let's count 'em down.
5. Hey, hey! A snobby boyfriend with '70s-German-electronica hair!
Naturally, cool college daddio Van Wilder has a foe in the form of an uptight frat prez named Richard. He's dating Tara Reid because of the script. Of course the film makes homophobic jokes at Richard's expense, and, of course, he's unlikable from the start, but Richard becomes wonderful when you realize his hair is just so Kraftwerk. I'd take a ride on the Trans-Europe Express with that combed-over crest, wouldn't you? We agree to disagree.
4. The most awful gross-out gag in the history of awfulness and grossness and gagging [Editor's Note: It is truly disgusting. Click here to see, provided you want to be scarred forever.]
American Pie kicked off a snowballing gross-out trend in '99. Each piece of horndog cinema thereafter was responsible for raising the bar on revolting humor, and by the time 2002 rolled around, Van Wilder needed the kind of gross-ass bit that produces audience vomit upon sight and four-alarm PETA fury. Mission accomplished: To get back at Richard, Mr. Wilder fills some bakery items with his dog's semen and anonymously delivers the treats to Richard's fraternity. It is more than slightly vile. It actually becomes so hard to watch that I tried ducking my head away from the screen and smashed into the wall. Into the wall. Which hurt! But I would've settled for immersing my face, organs, and genitals in a grease fire during that scene, because it's the single most disturbing sequence I have ever watched. And I have watched Martin Sheen stalk Jodie Foster in a magician's outfit. So that's a Herculean and, yes, admirable feat.
3. The appearance of Real World: Hawaii "star" Teck Holmes
Here is some joy. Most low-budget teen comedies are doomed to feature embarrassing cameos, and Van Wilder pulls through with a jank appearance from Real World: Hawaii cast member Teck Holmes. He didn't even rank among my top five favorites from that season, but he sure had dyed hair, and that's what movies are about. He plays Van Wilder's key bro here, and I seem to notice that Teck is given very little in the way of dialogue. Perhaps producers felt that he's more of an action-oriented thespian, considering his finest moment of Real World glory was skinny-dipping with a randy bisexual. That doesn't explain why his only instance of Van Wilder camera-hogging involves laying his lips on Kal Penn's penis enlarger, but I can't understand all of life's mysteries for you right now. That's Real World: San Francisco material.
2. Budding Pulitzer Prize winner Tara Reid
Tara Reid's salad days may be in the past, but one facet of her career should remain foremost in our minds: She once played a genius reporter in Van Wilder. Seriously, she wants a Pulitzer and stuff. She's like Woodward and BernsTaraReid. All the President's American Pies, if you will. Frankly, she deserves a medal if she can make The Big Lebowski 2 happen.
1. The slimy savoir-faire of Ryan Reynolds
The real reason to see this wretched excuse for lampoonery is right in the title. Van Wilder is the proud, indefatigable prince of campus, and Reynolds's slick delivery makes even the lamest dialogue singable. "Are you stalking me? Because that would be super," he chirps. "We'll be accepting donations in the form of cash, visa, and full frontal nudity," he says later. While Reynolds would garner more of a following with Waiting... and The Proposal, this is the one movie where I'm sure he is enjoying himself. He's hamming it up like a confident upperclassmen who dominates the senior musical -- which is problematic in some ways -- but he's engaging and raunchy and believable nonetheless. In case this superhero bit doesn't work out, Reynolds should feel safe in returning to school for more sophomoric, squirm-worthy comedy. I'll hide my pastries just in case.