11. Jacob Lusk: "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word"
I'd like Jacob if he were an art installation called "Toofer from 30 Rock Imitates Sylvester," but he's so not. He's just Sobgoblin. He's just a bellowing mudslide of horror. He's a tumbling stack of pudding. His rendition of "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word" was monstrously tragic, in part because Robbie Rosen's wild card performance of the Elton ballad outclassed this, and also because it was full of screamy, chest-wiggling badness. "Sorry"s the only word.
10. Scotty McCreery: "Country Comfort"
Scotty's smugness is a problem. It's one thing to be committed to country music; it's another to mine Elton John's catalog, ignore the spirit of the theme week, and stick to the "one" country song he's ever produced. That's b.s. There was nothing wrong with or even murderous about Scotty's performance (you'll recall I believe he's a cold-blooded killer), but it's all so obvious and un-entertaining to watch someone stroll through this competition because his demographic is so beloved, and not necessarily because he loves it so. Also: k.d. lang wants her Elvis drag back.
9. Pia Toscano: "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me"
Pia could win a show called America's Next Great Shopper at an Average Mall. She's got the stuff. She can really reach those high... shelves at Zara? She can really... straighten her hair like a J.Crew cashier? God, she is boring. Also, who is she? Besides a nondescript shopper at Forever 21, I mean. Why is she our frontrunner this season? Did you hear her claim, "I'm such an emotional and passionate person!"? That struck me as a lie. Hmmm. You know, Pia would've been exciting in 2003 when you could become a star in the vein of Celine Dion, but 2011 rejects glory notes. Even Leona Lewis, the tearful triller who won X-Factor in 2006, scored her only Billboard smash with the less ballad-y, more danceable "Bleeding Love." There's simply no place for Pia on the Hot 100, and we need to stop tolerating her uninspired work. All you have to know about her performance is she picked "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me." You know exactly what it sounds like without pushing play. You get it, it was pleasant enough, and now you're ready to forget it. Mall stuff.
8. Stefano Langone: "Tiny Dancer"
I felt so-so about Stefano's stab at this overplayed classic since it emphasized neither his great bravado nor deep sense of drama. Ugh, I adore him! I want him to obliterate Scotty McCreery with one magnificent final note. I think a lot of people do. Still, I'd count on Stefano as a bottom-three candidate yet again, as his performance committed the worst crime of being forgettable.
7. Lauren Alaina: "Candle in the Wind"
Maybe it was the goopy arrangement or the tired song choice, but this? This was too cloying for me. Too darling. And if we're being real, too outside Lauren's grasp of pop culture history. "Candle in the Wind," for all its fame, is a song about profound understanding, and Lauren's not the kind of artist who can pull off adult sympathy. Bring back the teen traumas of "You Keep Me Hanging On," Alaina!
6. Haley Reinhart: "Bennie and the Jets"
Like in her best performance of "I'm Your Baby Tonight," Haley gifted us with a rollicking mid-tempo beat, a believable swagger, and a lovely vocal. I choked when Randy called it the best performance of the night, but I applaud her for whirring through the song's campier moments ("Ben-nay!") and selling us on her ferocious vocal.
5. Naima Adedapo: "I'm Still Standing"
I drink the tropical Naima Kool-Aid. I'm obsessed. I get that her voice isn't perfect, and I understand that she's pretentious and too weird for Idol -- but she's the only member of the top 11 who is (cue violins) unafraid of being herself at all costs. Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina may explore country because their voices fit that demo, but Naima embraces her stylistic forays because they're true to her flamboyant spirit, not her marketability. Allow me to disagree with Randy Jackson: "I'm Still Standing" was a brilliant choice for a reggae remake since its theme is as jubilant and proud as Bob Marley's genre. The notes and breath control weren't all there, but you know what was? A hard-carved identity, unabashed flair, and buckets of self-possession. We haven't seen that on Idol since... well, have we?
4. Paul McDonald: "Rocket Man"
I don't even like Paul's voice, but I can't deny that "Rocket Man" was a match for his chirpy rasp. He still sounds like a vaguely effeminate version of James Blunt who hosts a painting show on public access TV. So let's move on.
3. Casey Abrams: "Your Song"
Nice recovery, Barbarossa: Our beleaguered redbeard picked himself up by his peg leg and turned in a faithful take on Elton John's finest jam. Casey even abandoned his hokey growling for moments of contemplative sincerity. I can't claim he redefined the song's power, but he certainly proved his viability in this competition.
2. Thia Megia "Daniel"
I'm sorry. I did not anticipate or want this. I am a human being, and I don't deserve to feel this way, but I can't fight it: Thia catapulted out of the slums with a surprising song choice and a smooth performance this week. "Daniel" is an unusual Idol trump card -- it commands intimacy while dazzling viewers with a recognizable melody. It's both mysterious and mainstream. Thia's delicate, oft-saccharine vocals fit the tune like a glove, bringing a world of familial closeness to her performance. It was easily her greatest showing, and I swear I haven't suffered a stroke. This is all real, my skin is pinchable, and Thia Megia might be enjoyable for the next ten minutes.
1. James Durbin: "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting"
And now, for your bit of Louis Virtel hypocrisy: If Pia Toscano isn't Billboard material as I claimed, then Squints Van Der Beek (James, here) certainly isn't either. Yet he's ranked #1, and she's #9. Right. Point is, if you're going to be a pop misfit, you may as well forsake contrivance -- and a decades-old balladeer template -- and go big creating your own niche. Durbin set a piano on fire, charged through the audience with a warthog grin, and energized the Idoldrome with a clap-attack chorus. He was cheesier than an economy-size box of Better Cheddars (my favorite), and yet, the boy is an untouchable singer. I wish he didn't dress like a school bully from Boy Meets World, but I'll take his denim vests over Pia's Limited Too soul.