11. Casey Abrams, "I Heard It Through the Grapevine"
Somebody jacked our man Barbarossa's pirate ship of good cheer, because this was sad. Look, I get the alternative-dork thing he's going for (since he achieves it some nights), but Redbeard's past two weeks have been so bizarrely abrasive that I can't help but think he needs a miracle to compete with Scotty, James, or Pia. Motown isn't exactly his niche, but funk-laden pseudo-sex appeal is -- at least according to J-Lo -- so there was no reason his rendition of the Marvin Gaye classic was so gurgle-maniacal, grasping, and Gokey-like. Gokey-like, guys. That's a guillotine-worthy infraction. And Naima just rolled in a guillotine for her dramatic reggae tribute to Marie Antoinette next week, so we can definitely arrange this. Bring back the upright bass and downright dorky fun, Barbs!
10. Haley Reinhart, "You Really Got a Hold On Me"
You'll bury me in a giant pair of harem pants for saying this, but I was kind of rooting for Haley this week. Her cover of Whitney's "I'm Your Baby Tonight" was mysteriously fun and un-contrived, and I underestimated her ability to be either of those things. Then this happened -- this breathy, tired, not-so-soulful thing. Inevitably, she'll hit the bottom three again (hopefully with Casey and either Paul or Thia), but it didn't have to be this way. "You Really Got a Hold On Me" is an ideal showcase for her love affair with kitty growls, but she only got a hold of sad tabby coughs.
9. Paul McDonald, "Tracks of My Tears"
I mean, destroy this man. He's still dishing the sotto chipmunk soul like Chip and Dale's hipster cousin Woody Chuck, and he's still not really singing. That's annoying. Worse yet, he tried covering Smokey Robinson's finest jam -- an exercise that Linda Ronstadt perfected in 1975, honey -- and he evinced only as much passion as his Colgate smile allows. It wasn't wretched, but when I take a gooood loook at his fa-aaace, I see his soul looks out of place. Like maybe he left it in another blazer.
8. Thia Megia, "Heat Wave"
Thia! How kind of you to sing Idol's most famous death knell! We want you to lose, too. But truth be told? I thought this was Thia's best showing all season: The way her 4'6 frame undulated and sassed to the beat of Martha and the Vandella's thermometer-bursting anthem made me believe she has experienced the outdoors and even a good time. Astounding, really.
7. Scotty McCreery, "For Once In My Life"
Guys, Scotty did not murder this, which is so unlike what he did to poor Ms. Louisa Jane MacIntosh of Sutcliffe, South Dakota in the '50s. (I'm assuming you agree that something about Scotty's blood-curdling voice smacks of "heartland serial killer" -- because I'm going to be making this same joke until the end of the season). First of all, don't go galloping around covering songs from the Melinda Doolittle oeuvre, Scotty, because Melinda Doolittle is an untouchable Idol beast who doesn't commit homicide. Secondly, I think Scotty may have revealed his inner Kevin Covais last night with those honky-tonk neck swivels, and you can't just throw those back in Pandora's Box. I can't believe I'm complaining like this! Now I'm going to end up mangled in the tall grass with a rake in my neck. It's been real, guys! Take me, vultures!
6. Jacob Lusk, "You're All I Need to Get By"
It pains me to rank The Bellowing Bellower ahead of Scotty and even Casey, but last night Jacob reined in his tendency to, um, scream at the top of his lungs for four straight minutes. For once, Jacob served the melody of the song instead of his own need to showboat wacky vocals, and that was a dramatic step in the right direction. I still abhor the little side-eye, finger-guns, and other nonsense he shoots every performance, but I can't deny that he seemed like a viable Idol candidate last night.
5. Stefano Langone, "Hello"
Let us tally the elements of danger at play here: 1) Stefano had never heard of "Hello." 2) Stefano had never heard of Lionel Richie, pretty much. 3) Stefano had never seen the "Hello" video, featuring deaf ingenues and sexy sculpturing. 4) Stefano had a soulpatch last night that looked like three strokes of a mechanical pencil. 5) Stefano forgot a bunch of lyrics and improvised a scathingly lame conclusion of "I love you." 6) Um, is this Motown? Because I think of "Hello" as an "I Love the '80s novelty joke." 7) "Hello" sucks. And yet, despite the odds, Stefano unleashed more of the asthmatic preacher passion that I love. It's so current! Can't you picture this picturesque little minister cooing "Billionaire" on pop radio? I say that as someone who hates "Billionaire" and picturesque little ministers. But you've got to appreciate his fervor! Hello! It's you I'm looking for, Stefano!
4. Lauren Alaina, "You Keep Me Hanging On"
See, this is what Lauren Alaina should be singing. When she sings throwback country stuff, I just think, "So you're not-so-secretly 48-years-old. I'm onto you, backwoods Sally Struthers." But when this Supremes jam -- which was expertly covered by Kim Wilde in the '80s -- flew out of Lauren's bumpkin mouth, she somehow became current. There was teen angst there! Clarkson-esque clamor! An iota of the 21st century. Very well done, and more importantly, so much fun.
3. Pia Toscano, "All in Love is Fair"
How mad are we at Pia Toscano for destroying every ballad of the past 58 years and not apologizing for her distinctly bland taste? Or do we like her because of it? I forget. Either way, the conundrum of Pia is her balance of phenomenal vocals and forgettable everything else. I admire this performance, and even really like it, but where on pop radio do you hear generically excellent voices belting ballads anymore? I can't even think of the last time that happened. "The Climb" was a ballad I remember, except the point of that song was the scraggly teen-trucker vocals. But whatever: Fine job living up to the Motown legend, Pia, but I can't ever vote for your brand of operatic monotony.
2. James Durbin, "Livin' for the City"
Jennifer Lopez owned the judges' table for the second week in a row, but Steven Tyler gave my favorite quip of the night: "It takes being crazy to make a difference in this world." And Jesus, is Durbin a commander of craycray: The outfits! The screamy storms! That compacted John C. Reilly face! All absurd and fun on Idol. If Pia gave a pitch-perfect vocal and not much else, James one-upped her: He gave us a pitch-perfect vocal and some exciting stage flair. Like Siobhan Magnus last season, there's an awkward sense of confidence in James that is in no way salable, but that doesn't mean we can't adore him in the meantime.
1. Naima Adedapo, "Dancing in the Street"
Do you want words? Do you need me to sell you on Naima's joie de vivre, Leontyne-Pricey regalia, and buffalo stance? Because her performance of "Dancing in the Street," the single best Motown song ever, was legendary. Think of it this way: If you were talented enough to be on American Idol, what would you want to do? Sing some Celine ballad and saunter off stage? Warble some Travis Tritt ditty and scamper off to murder a cheating housewife in the badlands? No: You'd want to seize the moment, dance like every
member of Ladysmith Black Mambazo is stuck inside of you, and start a party from L.A. to N.Y. Naima's spot-on vocals, seductive hamminess, and utter convulsions made this perhaps the greatest performance of the season. How can you even top this? I swear to God she'll require roller skates and a jump rope. Maybe she can force the other contestants lie down next to each other so she can enact Beyonce's "Baby Boy" breakdown dance atop their backs. I am so for it. I am so NaiTeam-a!