Right now, studios are attempting to tackle an adaptation of the Stephen King fantasy series Dark Tower (which will include three movies and a television series) and a big-screen remake of the thousand-plus page epic The Stand. These ridiculous projects got me thinking: instead of attacking windmills, why not remake some of the total clunkers were based on King's stories?
If we're going to be inundated with remakes, it'd at least to be nice to see movies that make good on potential where others failed. And I'd certainly prefer these remakes to new versions of all of my favorite '70s horror movies.
Fortunately, Hollywood and I are on the same page. Sorta! Several of these projects are already somewhere in very early development. So drop the inevitable Rosemary's Baby remake, Hollywood, and get going on these.
[Note: I purposely left off movies which not even a remake could save. Hence, no Dreamcatcher (which is perfect in its own special way) or Maximum Overdrive (which was already remade anyway).]
1. Children of the Corn
Your mileage may vary, but I love the idea of a cult of creepy children sacrificing adults to some Lovecraftian monster to make the corn grow. But the 1984 movie is series of missed opportunities. From the failure to exploit the visual possibilities of the corn field, to the uneven acting, to the shoddy production value and laughable monster, the movie drags and plods along, never really offering shocks, laughs or even a sustained creepy atmosphere. Fix all of this!
Status: Followed by six sequels and a widely-panned made-for-TV remake. Ninth time is the charm?
2. The Night Flier
This little-seen movie honestly isn't bad, but the pacing is pretty tepid until the spectacular ending. Really, though, I'd just like to see someone tackle the concept of a vampire who flies his own plane once more. The vampire trend is getting old -- witches are next! -- but there's something fresh and hilarious about a vampire who owns his own jet. You can even rechristen it The Vampire Pilot or something, and get the guy behind Snakes on a Plane to direct.
Status: Nothing announced. Weird.
3. Needful Things
Max Von Sydow plays the devil , who opens up shop in (of course) a small town in Maine. With this casting and setup, I still don't understand why this movie is so tame and dull, but it is! I'd accept either a straight-up comedy remake or a horrifying one, but the middle-ground that the original version treads is unacceptable.
Status: Nothing announced.
4. Pet Sematary
Yes, the scene with the dead sister is completely terrifying, and no, I wouldn't trade that theme song The Ramones wrote for anything. indeed, there is a lot to like about this creepy, gleefully stupid movie. But at the same time, the book is widely regarded as one of King's creepiest straight-up horror stories, and the movie blows it with cheeseball acting and some baffling screenwriting choices on the part of King himself. There's potential for a horrifying, grief-stricken film here in the right hands.
Status: In Development with a script by David Kajganich, who wrote The Invasion. No director or cast.
5. It
The original TV miniseries inspired weeks or even months of nightmares in small children thanks to Tim Curry's terrifying portrayal of Pennywise, the shape-shifting, child-eating clown. Then the ending (spoiler alert) where he just turns out to be a stupid, giant spider out of a 50's B-movie quickly ensured that all children could sleep soundly again. To actually make a faithful adaptation of the novel, this would probably work better as an HBO miniseries. Which would be great! But even if the studio could deliver something as slick as the first hour and a half of the original that doesn't peter out at the end, It could become a potential horror classic.
Status: In the same place as Pet Sematary... with the same screenwriter.