If someone were to walk into a room, toss 500 sheets of blank paper into the air for no reason, not pick them up, and then launch into an a capella Maroon 5 song while wearing a dinner jacket, he'd be a jerk. In last night's episode of Glee, though, that was Just Blaine. Just Blaine, hogging the Warbler spotlight per usual, spraying every room he side-stepped into with confidence and what I imagine is a really awful cologne. Just Blaine, making a move on the impressionable, freshly-outed friend of his that he has decided to mentor. More on Just Blaine, and the other, less disturbing events of last night's "Original Song," ahead.
I was just as charmed as anyone was when Blaine first two-stepped onto Glee and took Kurt under his wing this season. I still enjoy some of his songs (yes, even Maroon 5's "Misery"), but I've seen the light in Blaine's eyes go out. About a month ago, Blaine broke Kurt's heart. Last week, Blaine asked Kurt's dad to teach his son about gay sex, warning him that one day "Kurt might find himself in a compromising position," and then last night, Blaine made a move on Kurt! It wasn't unwelcome by Kurt -- who until that point had been grieving the Warblers' canary mascot Pavarotti -- but it was disturbing considering Kurt's role as mentor.
Now that I mention it, Kurt's relationship with every student at Dalton Academy is a little unsettling, mostly because he has supreme reign over his fellow Warblers. If he tells them that he will not be singing a solo at Regionals, they are crushed and wait to hear his plan. When he vetoes the idea that Warblers audition to duet with him -- and boldly picks Kurt to be his duet partner -- the Warblers just accept their fate. If the Warblers overthrow Blaine in the future, I will support it.
Meanwhile, Holly Holliday -- the brightest part of last week's episode -- was being held hostage in a sweat lodge somewhere far, far away from Lima, Ohio. But that's OK, because it gave Mr. Schue time to concentrate on New Directions, who were forced to pick a new song for Regionals. Rachel suggested they write their own songs and Quinn -- who was trying to keep her "enemy" close so that she could take Finn to the prom and become this year's prom queen -- supported this decision. So the kids wrote their own songs.
Cut to Santana singing a song about Sam's "Trouty Lips," Puck serenading Lauren Zizes to the tune of "Big Ass... Heart," Rachel crooning about single childhood, and Mercedes rhyming diabetes with Wheaties. (That happened.)
Alas, none of the songs were "epic enough" to make Schue's cut, so he suggested that the New Directions tap into their inner hurt. That wasn't hard though because Sue Sylvester had been terrorizing the kids in the halls of McKinley High -- dirt bombing the lockers of some, throwing sticks at others and nicknaming the rest losers. Schue listened to these tales of high school bullying and wrote three words on the dry erase board "dirt, sticks and loser." And that is how the song "Loser Like Me" was born.
The New Directions performed it at Regionals and ironically were chosen as winners by the judges -- a Sarah Palin-esque Tea Party politician (played modestly by Kathy Griffin), a stripper-turned-nun and local gadabout Rod Remington.
Meanwhile, Finn seemed to grow more affectionate towards Rachel once he saw her sing the ballad "Get It Right" (a Rachel-penned original), and Mercedes, Artie and Sam drifted through the episode with little-to-no-purpose. And Rachel earned the title of Regionals MVP from Schue. Because, obviously.
HIGH NOTES
· "I don't even remember putting that in there." -- Brittany, after her Sue Sylvester dirt-rigged locker explodes in her face.
· The New Directions' original songs "Trouty Mouth" and "Big Ass... Heart"
· "My hairdresser is a gay and for 15 years, he's been with his partner -- also, a hairdresser. I see no reason why they shouldn't be allowed to marry and raise a family of beautiful wigs." -- Rod Remington to the other judges.
LOW NOTES
· Blaine making a move on Kurt.
· Sue Syvlester being relegated to torturing students and punching the governor's wife in the face, post-competition, rather than being given a worthwhile episode arc.
· Another episode without any explanation of Emma Pillsbury's absence.
· Quinn's strange voiceover at the beginning of the episode.
GLEESARY
Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Fake Boobs -- (n.) Sue Sylvester's nicknames for her former Cheerios Brittany and Santana.
"Big Ass... Heart -- (n.) The title of an original song that will apparently not offend the overweight woman you are trying to woo.
POP QUIZ
1. Which band's drummer did Sue Sylvester have an affair with after meeting him in 1996 while at a drum circle in Daytona Beach?
a) My Chemical Romance
b) Everclear
c) Pearl Jam
d) Weezer
2. What is Santana's nickname for Artie?
a) Leather Gloves
b) Four Eyes and Two Wheels
c) White Wheelchair Michael Jackson
d) Stubbles McCripplepants
3. Which New Directions member pushed the prop slushie cart onstage at Regionals?
a) Tina
b) Santana
c) Mike Chang
d) Lauren Zizes
4. Which two characters cried in last night's episode?
a) Emma Pillsbury and Tina
b) Lauren Zizes and Sue Sylvester
c) Kurt and Rachel
d) Puck and Quinn
ANSWERS: (1) a; (2) d; (3) c; (4) c