On the only drug he is currently using: "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
On whether he will take a spontaneous drug test: "Sure, you got a cup? I've got nothing to hide."
On why he is not an anti-Semite for calling Chuck Lorre by his given name, Haim Levine: "I read it off the vanity card and said it as a joke. I didn't think it was a big deal."
On whether he was joking when he said that crack was alright if you can manage it socially: "Yeah it was a joke. Because it was so absurd. But when you got a highly evolved brain and you're trying to roll out your humor -- yeah, it's on me."
On the last time he took drugs: "The last time I took drugs I probably took more that anyone could survive. I was banging seven gram rocks because that's how I roll, I have one speed, go. I have a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. I got tiger blood man."
On his epic partying: "What's not to love? Especially when you see how I party, it was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards and all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children."
On his rival drug: "Ambien. Hello. Ambien. Hello. The devil's aspirin? That was the one thing in New York that was not part of my normal blend."
On his romantic relationship with two "goddesses:" "I'm gonna say this. It's a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It's like an organic union of the hearts."
On his near-death birth experience: "I was born dead. Umbilical cord around my neck. My dad was trying to bring Catholicism into the room. The doctor said, 'Shut that thing. [...] It was like I was being born while saying, 'Bring it.'"
On why he prefers romancing porn actresses: "Wow. Well, listen to that statement. Look at what they do. Look what I do. It's like, 'Duh.' [...] They're the best at what they do. I'm the best at what I do. It's like, 'Duh.' Sorry, Middle America. I said it."
On what happens in his home rehab facility: "There's cleansing. There's healing. There's beautiful women. There's children. We're just all here chilling."
On what he will tell his children about his exploits: "I could worry about them or I could say, 'Look, kids. Look at your dad. He's a rock star. Look at his experiences. Look at what you have in your future.'"
On how his ex-wife Denise Richards has responded to his partying: "Awesome. Awesome. Top Gun rockstar. Awesome."
ยท Inside Charlie Sheen's World: Star Says Life With 'Goddesses' Is 'Perfect' [ABC]