Clint Jun Gamboa: "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder
God, no. Not "Superstition." Clint Jun Gamboa, who dresses like someone named Boo Boo, has the "soul" of -- at best -- Stevie Wonder's minimal contributions to Will Smith's "Wild, Wild West." In fact, he should sing "Wild, Wild West." Look, it's like I told you: Any damsel that's in distress be outta that dress when she meet Clint Jun Gamboa, because he makes all his friends wear Urban Outfitters.
Jovany Barreto: "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain
Has Jovany Barreto ever watched American Idol? Because you don't sing Edwin McCain on it. Unless American Idol is a dive bar full of downtrodden penitentiary workers in Joliet, Illinois now. Which it might be, at this point. Jovany's so not making the Top 12, but I wouldn't mind nestling in his cryin' shoulduh-herrs. (They huge.)
Jordan Dorsey: "OMG" by Usher
Jordan Dorsey may be evil, but I have a good feeling about this song choice. Sure, Usher's computerized vocals sound like a Fraggle working at an Arby's drive-thru, but Jordan will use his Harry Belafonte shuffle to endear us. Dance, thin man!
Tim Halperin: "Streetcorner Symphony (Come On Over)" by Rob Thomas
Now what is this. Rob Thomas doesn't even sing "Streetcorner Symphony" now. Tim Halperin, if you're going to be relevant, you have to pick songs that don't sound like Jason Mraz throwaway titles, middle-school band names, or Disney Channel original movies about homeless harmonica prodigies. You violated all three tenets tonight.
Brett Loewenstern: "Light My Fire" by The Doors
I don't want to hear abut this redheaded frizz emperor's fire! Gross! What if he lights it right on TV? And your dad sees and likes it? Weird!
James Durbin: "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" by Judas Priest
Judas Priest is an inspired choice, but I wonder if James will just holler for four straight minutes until human Picasso masterpiece Steven Tyler crumbles right there. I bet James will make Top 12, but I don't expect our eardrums, glassware, and television monitors to survive the aural onslaught.
Robbie Rosen: "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan
Robbie, every time you put your trembling, smug little lips to a microphone and sing "Angel," Sarah McLachlan loses her mind and eats a stray dog whole. I can't blame her. She should make 1-800 commercials where we have to call in to get her to stop consuming pooches. 1-900, in fact! We should pay Sarah to stop the pain of what you've caused, Robbie.
Scotty McCreery: "Letters From Home" by John Michael Montgomery
Never heard of this one, but knowing Scotty, I'm sure it's an up-to-date pop anthem of the highest and most relevant order. Or a weirdly backwoods country ditty with an unnerving and sinister core. Either/or.
Stefano Langone: "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars
This is the best song choice of the night, at least on paper. Stefano's got that cool-kid, arms-folded-on-the-front-of-the-Kohl's-Catalog bravado that I like, especially in the Back To School season. If performed adequately, he could vault to the front of the pack tonight
Paul McDonald: "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart
Paul McDonald! I notice he's toting a great deal of hotness. That's going to be essential in getting me to pick up the phone, vote, and yell obscenities that turn into a marriage proposal. "Maggie May" is a tried-and-true standard, but it doesn't require much of a range. I hope I remember him after tonight's performance for something other than the kids of his I'm going to have.
Jacob Lusk: "A House is Not a Home" by Luther Vandross
Isn't Jacob's voice better than Luther's? I'm worried. I'm worried this is going to be as embarrassing as dancing with my father to "Dance With My Father." Hopefully Jacob will spew magic without resorting to histrionics, which seems to be his weakness.
Casey Abrams: "I Put a Spell on You" by Screamin' Jay Hawkins
Man. He's totally going to make Top 12. This is an ideal tune for the belter, but I hope he can prove himself a worthy 2011 radio contender in the coming weeks with more current stuff. Adam Lambert's "Whataya Want From Me," perhaps? I'd tolerate it.