Last night's episode of Glee, "Blame It on the Alcohol," was not just -- as Will Schuester would call it -- an "elaborate booze dream." Schue did in fact drunkenly ride a mechanical bull and line dance with McKinley High's brute football coach. The New Directions did projectile vomit a purple drank-derivative during a school assembly performance of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." And finally, Rachel Berry did make out with a gay dude while wearing a pistachio- colored housecoat. So steel your stomachs, dear Gleebasers, and join us below for a more detailed recap of last night's inebriated events and a pop quiz!
Thankfully, the latest Glee installment was enjoyable, mainly because there was a simple, coherent plot that carried into each scene: Everyone gets drunk in spite of the principal's efforts to teach students the dangers of alcohol. Sue Sylvester wasn't trying to sabotage the New Directions from the inside out -- they were doing that themselves -- and most important, she wasn't visiting pediatric cancer wards.
The boozy chaos began when Principal Figgins noticed that students were showing up to school drunk and told Schue to head an Alcohol Awareness Week. I'm not quite sure why this position would have been given to the Spanish teacher as opposed to, I don't know, a licensed professional who would actually teach kids about the risks of booze rather than line dance under the influence, but hey! What fun would that be?
Meanwhile, Rachel Berry's dads were conveniently out of town on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise, which made her home the perfect location for the New Directions' first experiment with alcohol. She wanted the night to be a classy wine cooler affair but after a little needling, she agreed to raid her dads' alcohol stash and host a hot mess of a high school party. Everyone was drunk except for Kurt and Finn. Brittany was stripping. Santana was crying. Quinn was yelling. Lauren Zizes was cowering over her normal-sized peers. Rachel Berry was rocking Blaine's world with a strangely hot heterosexual kiss which caused Kurt to seethe -- and later lash out at his father over a sunken souffle. Metaphor.
When this did not make Kurt feel any better, he marched over to Rachel's house to deliver the culminating queen line of the night: "Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be the most flaming of homosexuals."
To prove Kurt wrong, Rachel sober-kissed Blaire and -- like a princess's kiss turning a frog into a prince -- Rachel's kiss turned Blaire back into a straight-up homosexual. Resolution reached!
Well, not quite -- because the kids still had to perform at the Anti-Alcohol school assembly, an event they pregamed for with a purple alcoholic concoction that made everyone puke onstage. Since this is television, the principal awarded the students for their "acting ability" instead of suspending them.
Oh, and at some point, Schue got trashed at a honky-tonk hangout with Coach Beiste, drunk dialed Sue Sylvester and left her a message for Emma. Which of course Sue played for the school. Schue realized he was a hypocrite and the entire class signed a pledge to abstain from drinking until after Nationals.
HIGH NOTES
· Lea Michele's dramatic interpretation of a first-time drunk.
· Blaine and Rachel's drunken "Don't You Want Me" performance. [Editor's Note: If Glee was nothing but Darren Criss and Lea Michele singing '80s songs and making out, it would be the greatest show ever.]
· "I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gathered, something went down in the tent." -- Kurt's naive dad.
LOW NOTES
· Too much Emma Pillsbury, too little Stamos.
· Matthew Morrison pretending to be drunk. Embarrassing. [Or maybe so low that it rebounded back on itself to high?]
· Not enough Brittany one-liners.
GLEESARY
Alcohol Awareness Week (n.) -- An educational event imagined by Principal Figgins to teach students about the dangers of alcohol. Santana uses this event to realize how aware she is that alcohol is fun.
Elaborate Booze Dream (n.) -- Term coined by Will Schuester to describe horrific nightmares that come to you when you are sleeping off booze.
POP QUIZ
1. How did Sue maim Aural Intensity's "chipper homosexual" coach so that she could take over his glee club?
a) By pushing him down the stairs repeatedly
b) By spreading rumors about his sexual deviancy via her blog
c) By taking a crow bar to his leg, Tonya Harding-style
d) By engaging him in a back alley rusty knife fight
2. Which of the following nicknames did Sue not call Emma in last night's episode?
a) Gingersnap
b) Ella
c) The very lemur that rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances.
d) Imelda
3. Which of the following was not a rule at Rachel Berry's party?
a) Don't sit on anything
b) Don't hit on gay Warblers.
c) Two drinks per person.
4. How many lines did Quinn have in last night's episode?
a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 3
5. What kind of alcoholic beverage did Artie serve his peers in school?
a) Crazy Ninjas
b) Captains and Coke
c) Screwdrivers
d) Bloody Marys
6. What kind of drunk is Lauren Zizes (who coincidentally, only had one line this week)?
a) A needy drunk
b) A happy drunk
c) A stripping drunk
d) An angry drunk
Answers: 1) a; 2) a; 3) b; 4) b 5) d 6) d