Did you watch 'em? Child, I warned you. The Grammys can be the most loathsome telecast of the year -- and there were more than a few terrible choices for winners last night -- but we all survived the tuneless cavalcade and came out loving Cee-Lo Green, snickering at Lea Michele, and wanting to have a stern word with Sir Antebellum. Here's everything you needed to know about the 2011 Grammys.
· Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys in a translucent egg. I considered it a cocky, last-minute move to corner award season and star in Black Swan.
· The giant tribute to Aretha Franklin included performances by Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Florence Welch, Yolanda Adams, and Martina McBride. Big redemption moment for Christina. You'll remember that she screwed up the National Anthem in the worst way possible -- by adding more "Twilight" to it.
· Train won an award. :/
· Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" performance sounded, again, nothing like "Express Yourself." It's now confirmed that everyone on the Internet is terrified to think for themselves.
· A Duffy/Carrie Underwood contraption named Miranda Lambert won a Country Vocal trophy.
· Usher calmly explained to everyone that he discovered Justin Bieber. The Biebz tried wearing a fancy '80s jacket and grown-up jeans, but everyone could tell he was a Dreamworks-animated Precious Moment figurine. It was so obvious.
· Jaden Smith joined Bieber onstage. Will Smith teared up watching his son get along with a Wog.
· Muse beat Neil Young, Pearl Jam, Jeff Beck, and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers for Best Rock Album. Why? Because the Grammys are hip, people.
· Lady Gaga quipped that she imagined she was Whitney Houston when she wrote "Born This Way." It was a wack crack.
· Bob Dylan performed with the Avett Brothers and Mumford and Sons. Those folks sounded great! Bob mumbled backwards through a stoma, but that also made it great!
· When introducing Lady Antebellum, Lea Michele accidentally said, "Grammy wimmers." What a dunn-ass!
· Lady Antebellum performed. I imagine the meeting behind "Need You Now" went this way: "What if we tried slowing mediocrity down?"
· Cee-Lo and Gwyneth Paltrow sold the hell out of "Forget You." They were joined by Muppets (for real), who could not stop flashing side-eye at Katy Perry.
· Katy Perry sang "Teenage Dream" and a very serious ballad. Critics cheered. Feminists burned their cupcake bras across the country.
· Justin Bieber lost Best New Artist to jazz bassist/singer Esperanza Spalding. We'll see if this is revoked after Justin's mom calls Esperanza's mom.
· Mark my words, Jane Fonda will win an Emmy for her performance as Mick Jagger during this telecast.
· Rihanna performed twice with a frizzy red wig and a ruffly party dress. When life beats you up, dress like a pinata.
· Eminem dressed like the "bad" member of the Burger King Kids Club.
· Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez presented an award. It's fair to say she has more chemistry with Steven Tyler.
· Lady Antebellum won awards for Record and Song of the Year. Twitter puked hard, but I'm not surprised at all. These awards traditionally go to the least offensive, "songwriter-y" tunes that sell more than expected. Still, lame.
· Barbra Streisand sang "Evergreen" just as Kris Kristofferson's face becomes as soft as an easy chair. Touching.
· Arcade Fire won Album of the Year, shocking many, but again, not me. Every three years, the Grammys go for a prestige win in this category, yo! Their performance looked like a big, flashy game of laser-tag, and that gave Justin Bieber yet another reason to cry.