As usual, American Idol's trek to the frittered ole South produced enough twang to keep Larry the Cable Guy movies in business for over six decades. We were treated to a 15-year-old singer who basically threatened to bench Gwyneth Paltrow using only country strength, as well as a coupla duettin' troubadours who believe singing and crying should take place at the same time. They are mistaken.
Adrienne Beasley, "American Honey"
Adrienne Beasley has one major asset on her side: "Beasley" is a hilarious name. I want to jog in place atop my bed and cry, "Ms. Beasley!" for hours on end. This name will take her far. Otherwise, her rendition of "American Honey" was rich, unpretentious, and touching, though I don't think she has the vaudevillian booty-shake flair that Idol requires. Shouldn't that come standard with the last name Beasley? I just said "Beasley" out loud again, and my body jackknifed like Little Richard. Get with the sass, Adrienne.
Rob Bolin/Chelsee Oaks, "What's Goin' On"/"To Love Somebody"/"The Story"
Idol has heard your cries, and it knows you want moaaarrr Lady Antebellum! Their impressive harmonies! Their tipsy sads! Their honky smooches! Their utter mediocrity. Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks (whose name sounds like a dilapidated mall where you can still buy a Lady Antebellum CD at Sam Goody ) are exes, but they sang "To Love Somebody" with seamless vibeology, quoth the prophet P. Abdul. Rob's solo of "What's Goin' On" was better than Chelsee's version of that inscrutable Brandi Carlile weeper, "The Story," but I don't root for Rob. Why? Because he sounds like life's least favorite human being Lee DeWyze -- if Lee DeWyze could sing. If it turns out Rob worked at a paint store too, I'm going to ingest a few cans of Benjamin Moore primer myself. This pain needs a couple more coats!
Lauren Alaina, "Like We Never Loved at All"
I always learn so much when Randy reiterates his "theories" about great performers. "I've been sayin' it every season," he said after Lauren's performance, donning a lab coat and clutching beakers of foaming-over Starpower. "It doesn't matter what age, where, what, what, what. If you've got it, you've got it." Listen to this scientist. He did all the calculations and it turns out 15-year-old Lauren Alaina, with her wheaten, Bowersoxian mane, is the perfect auditioner. I mean, right, she can sing. She also used countrified hand gestures and crybaby pageantry to her benefit, but she can sing. Shamefully, she chose Faith Hill's "Like We Never Loved at All" instead of a speaker-throttler like "There You'll Be," but I like her for now -- though I'd be happy to see her screw up so Randy can caw, "The formulas are all wrong! This place is gonna blow!!" and unsuccessfully dive through a wall.