In No Strings Attached, Natalie Portman co-stars for the second movie in a row with a former cast member of That '70s Show. Ashton Kutcher gets the honors this time (sorry, lesbian fans!), playing... well, a version of himself that's been steadily getting worse since That '70s Show. How did Kutcher transform from a pretty decent sitcom actor to a movie star who appears in terrible movies? You can always trace a direct line through a handful of important roles to illustrate what led to an actor's current success. Well, except in this case. If anything, that line has been on a steady decline since Kutcher's first role as Michael Kelso. Let's look at eight performances that trace the devolution of one Christopher Ashton Kutcher.
That '70s Show (1998)
Kutcher, on his first audition, scored the role of Michael Kelso on this fairly enjoyable sitcom that lasted for eight seasons. Set during the decade of the 1970s (duh), the show focused on the lives of a group of teenagers living in suburban Wisconsin. For the first seven seasons (and a few episodes in the eighth), Kutcher provided the manic comic relief as a slightly moronic guy who depended on his looks to get ahead in life. Unbeknownst to all of us at the time, Kutcher, who was pretty good as Kelso, would co-opt this policy for his future movie roles. Thirteen years later, That '70s Show is still the highlight of Kutcher's career.
Dude, Where's My Car (2000)
For those out there who have never seen Dude, Where's My Car?, this is a very odd film. What may seem like a pretty low impact jaunt about stoners who lost their car, winds up, inexplicably, being about space aliens. Oh, spoiler. Anyway, yes: This movie is stupid, but it's called Dude, Where's My Car?, so what did you expect? Regardless, for a guy looking for his first starring role in a film, at least Dude, Where's My Car? was different and has a memorable title that still finds its way into punchlines today. Also, look for a pre-Alias Jennifer Garner as a co-star.
The Butterfly Effect (2004)
Again, this movie isn't terrible. And give credit for Kutcher for trying to branch out into a more serious role, something that would never happen today. Kutcher plays Evan, a man who is haunted with the ability to go back in time and change certain events in order to (at least he hopes), have a happier ending. Unfortunately, his actions in the past always lead to serious consequences in the future (as the scene below show, one of his decisions makes him an amputee), hence the title. The Butterfly Effect grossed $58 million domestically, proving that there was a market for Kutcher in a more serious role. If only he followed through on that.
Guess Who (2005)
Kutcher decides to step into the role that Sidney Poitier made famous in this reverse take on Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. If nothing else, the film features a pre-_Star Trek_ Zoe Saldana who -- like Jennifer Garner -- is fortunate to have met J.J. Abrams after being in an Ashton Kutcher movie. (Also, in her case, James Cameron.) Kutcher's movies only get worse from here. Below, Kutcher's character attempts to tell some hilarious jokes* about African Americans in front of Bernie Mac.
[*Not hilarious.]
What Happens in Vegas (2008)
Ashton Kutcher plays another variation of the same persona that he's now played in numerous movies just like this. This time, Kutcher and Cameron Diaz meet by chance, get married, and win a lot of money in Vegas after a night of drinking too much alcohol. When trying to get a divorce, the judge makes a crazy, out-of-his-ass ruling that judges only make in movies or presidential elections, declaring that the two must cohabitate for six months. Yep, there's the premise for a movie all right. When this trailer starts, imagine that this movie starred Jason Sudeikis (who we see first) instead of Kutcher. Now that may have been a good movie.
One Million Twitter Followers (2009)
In 2009, Ashton Kutcher filmed himself watching his Twitter count as it passed the one million mark. OK, fine, he was the first one, I suppose that's something. But he had to go on and attempt to make the case that following Ashton Kutcher's feed on Twitter was a symbolism of the world rejecting mainstream media. Oh, puh-leeze. Right, like this gem of a Tweet from a few days ago. Who needs the media when we have Ashton Kutcher giving his support to the Chicago Bears?
Valentine's Day (2010)
There's actually going to be a sequel to this called New Year's Eve in which Kutcher plays the same character. Or maybe he doesn't. I mean, it's like people aren't even trying any longer. Let's just put together as many recognizable names that we can in one movie and see what happens! Actually, for the purposes of this list, this is the perfect film for Kutcher to star in -- just show up, look pretty and don't worry about any substance whatsoever.
Killers (2010)
And, finally, the epitome of everything that can go wrong: Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl in the same movie. Two actors -- that in the past have shown glimpses of wanting something more out of their careers -- who have apparently given up. What's worse, Killers doesn't even classify as one of those "so bad that I will never forget it" kind of movies like The Last Airbender. It just exists and then it's forgotten, much like the path of Kutcher's once promising career. Seriously, dude, go do an indie or something.