'A Very Large Turd on a Very Thin Stick': Marlon Brando Writes to 26-Year-Old Charlie Sheen

Long before Charlie Sheen was holed up in Las Vegas, trying to decide which of three porn stars he liked best, he was a just-turned 26-year-old scamp looking to have a birthday party so kick-ass that someone like Marlon Brando would want to attend. Alas, feeling like "a very large turd on a very thin stick" will often prevent even the greatest among us from having a good time.

The website Letters of Note has unearthed what's believed to be a letter from Brando to Sheen apologizing for missing his party. The hilarious transcript:

Dear Charlie,

I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powderde East Indian vulva -- maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same.

I really feel bad for not showing up at your birthday bash but I really feel shitty and best stay in bed. I don't have much of a selection. I'm sure it will be a kick in the ass and I hate to miss it --

Happiest of birthdays to you, Charlie

Love,

Marlon

Before you ask: Yes, at least one commenter says this is a forgery. But! Letters of Note includes a screencap of the letter (see below), and, really, is it so ridiculous to imagine the Oscar winner drinking "sled dog urine" to cure his ills? Probably not.

· I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick [Letters of Note]