Oprah Winfrey launched her new network on New Year's Day, and I have news for you: It's still on right now. Like, it's on in front of me. It's making noise and Oprah gestures and Travoltan shrieks. Right now. If this Oprah insists on buying the airwaves surrounding my beloved Game Show Network and Teen Nick, I guess she deserves serious consideration. Join me on a day-long live-blog, and click through to page two for the most recent updates.
10:20 a.m.: We're in the middle of a rerun of Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes. Oprah uses this show to explain the backstage shenanigans on her talk show, though she mentions nothing about sorcery, voodoo, and ritualized producer suicides.
10:30 a.m.: Gayle's helping out for the season premiere. She's going to tell a bunch of people they're invited to watch Oprah in person. This makes them scream, and Gayle just knew that would happen.
10:40 a.m.: An audience member in line for the show says, "I'm so excited! I've been cabbage-patching all day!" She is so far serious.
10:45 a.m.: Has Oprah ever explained why she likes John Travolta? He's helping out with the season premiere.
10:50 a.m.: Oprah does not go on to explain, "John Travolta will look exactly like me in three years, you mark my words."
10:55 a.m.: Oprah's taking her audience to AUS-TRAL-IA! Says Oprah of the bright crowd: "They're like, 'Australia?! Australia?! Where is Australia?!" Oprah's key demographic: People who cannot identify continents.
11:00 a.m.: Time for another episode of "Oprah Behind the Scenes"! Oprah's inviting the Judds on, and she doesn't seem excited about it.
11:05 a.m.: Wait, wait, the producers are making the Judds sing a song to Oprah. Phew. This is going to be a good show.
11:10 a.m.: Also, Oprah's revisiting an episode of her show from the '80s where a man with AIDS was ostracized from his small town. Say the producers: "It's only worth revisiting if people have changed their minds." Because AIDS is over, after all, and 100% acceptance was achieved sometime in 2002.
11:15 a.m.: Says a producer: "I do not believe Oprah wants to have the same exact show." I assume Oprah will have a hero moment and air the town's unchanged insanity anyway. But do the Judds have an AIDS charity single in waiting?
11:20 a.m.: Oprah's word on this ignorant small town: "You can't tell people what to do in bed." Holler! She understands us.
11:22 a.m.: Has there been a handsomer woman than Wynonna?
11:25 a.m.: Ashley Judd will not be a part of the Judds show. Well hell, Ashley, we already called the episode Double Juddpardy.
11:30 a.m.: For the 50th time today, Oprah announces that she doesn't like surprises. Then she's not going to like Wynonna's flammable magenta mane.
11:34 a.m.: This OWN Network is tiring. Can't Oprah give us something juicy? "If Margaret Avery hadn't split the vote, I'd have won the Oscar. WHERE YOU NOW, MARG?"
11:38 a.m.: "I love land the way other people love shoes," says Oprah. "Shoes? Eh. But land gets me hot." I asked for something juicy and she pulled through. My most teachable moment of the day.
11:47 a.m.: There is a commercial for Oprah's All-Stars. Suze Orman knows you can't be powerful without pointing at your fingers when you talk.
11:55 a.m.: New slogan idea for OWN: "The network where Mehmet Oz namedrops 'fecal matter' in commercials."
12:00 p.m.: Oprah ties up the episode by announcing, "That's something Maya Angelou taught me." New OWN Network slogan: "I Know Why the Caged Oprah's Still Got It."
Intermission! We'll be back when Richard Gere, Deb Winger, and Louis Gossett Jr. stop it already.
3:00 p.m.: An Officer and a Gentlemen just ended, and Gayle was a sexual demon in the role Richard Gere originated.
3:02 p.m.: Anna and Kristina's Grocery Bag is on. New episode. These ladies cook things, see. Today's episode: "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." In it, they cook a bunch of things from Julia Child's famous cookbook. I can't think of a single movie where this was already explored.
3:04 p.m.: "I've never cooked a duck!" Anna/Kristina claims. With her quizzical Amy Adams lip-bite.
3:07 p.m.: Time to cook onions with Kranstina! Or whatever. But wait just a minute: Oprah don't cook no onions. This is a farce.
3:10 p.m.: They're de-boning the duck now, except Kranna can't figure out how to slit the duck right. The other girl, Anstina, figures it out and is heralded "the De-boner." Just like in college.
3:14 p.m.: These two are like a seventh-place Amazing Race team. All smiles and good times and ready to lose.
3:15 p.m.: Oprah, why are we copying the Food Network? Or TLC? You are so much more G4 than this.
3:19 p.m.: Where is Oprah Warrior, where men in spandex race to scale Harpo Studios and climb over a towering Toni Morrison? The network is called OWN. Own, Oprah.
3:24 p.m.: The dark-haired chef (Anna?) is in charge of the souffle. And now for some reason smoke is billowing out of the oven. I'd expect this on the Tyra network.
3:28 p.m.: A professional chef has to saw open their duck. This is like if Julie from Julie and Julia were terrible, and I'm starting to like it.
3:30 p.m.: It's already over. Good try, all.
3:32 p.m.: Big Bowl of Love is on. This is a chef show for real chefs, I guess. She's making desserts like "Affogato."
3:34 p.m: I miss The Frugal Gourmet, which makes me some sort of victim.
3:39 p.m.: The guest-chef Kat is pretending to be impressed by the host's jank potato plate. Please. It's like Baked Lays and taco fixings.
3:44 p.m.: The salmonloaf includes ginger, breadcrumbs, and scallion. This is an ideal dish for your unbearable children who go to violin camp.
3:48 p.m.: Commercial break! Diapers, weight loss, and AARP. Oprah thinks she's the new Game Show Network, and everyone in my house is offended.
3:52 p.m.: Cristina Ferrare, the host of the show, is explaining that "affogato" means "to drown." Sinister.
3:56 p.m.: Chocolate, amoretto, whipped cream, and coffee ice cream mixed together. I'm drowning in the Diabetan Sea. S.O.Yes..
4 p.m.: Well, that does it for today. The OWN Network is officially TLC with Oxygen pacing. It's Good Girls Club. I can't think of a sadder endorsement.