Merry Christmas, medium-sized fockers! I'll avoid yuletide cinema this week (since Alonso Duralde is assuaging your Kris Kringle needs with his "12 Days of Christmas" film series) and commemorate Little Fockers thespian Barbra Streisand's other worst film for today's edition of Bad Movies We Love: A Star is Born. Just like Christ, see. A Star is Born co-stars Kris (Kringle) Kristofferson, Gary (OMG) Busey, and our nervous laughter. Recline in your love-soft easy chairs and enjoy this fresh bearded hell!
Like most Bad Movies We Love, A Star is Born's story is hurtful to thinking people: A grizzled rocker named John Norman Howard (Kristofferson) is losing hold of his career and monumental celebrity. He stumbles upon a nightclub warbler named Esther Hoffman (Streisand), who is stuck fronting a trio called The Oreos. Please understand their name using the following clue:
Black people! This novelty act is going places.
Eventually John and Esther fall in love. After he flakes on a live gig, she's forced to fill in, use her unbelievable pipes to throttle the stadium, and win fame and fortune overnight. Her success causes friction in the marriage, and soon John dies because he drives like Grace Kelly after a losing night with the plebes in Monte Carlo. Don't worry, it's not that sad.
In order to love this overlong, underwritten (by John Gregory Dunne and Joan Didion, no less!) movie, you must know one thing: Kris Kristofferson is an angry stuffed animal.
He's one of the few men alive who resembles both a Muppet and Jim Henson himself. And we thought meta-puppeteer shenanigans ended with Being John Malkovich.
Another lovable thing: Barbra and Kris have no chemistry whatsoever, and Kris's character is so horrible that Babs's instantaneous infatuation with him is appalling. Thankfully, the movie punishes her for its entire 140-minute duration, giving her reason after reason to dump this man on the roadside like, well, Kris Kristofferson's own Bobby McGee. Let's list them.
He shows affection by spraying her name in graffiti -- along the wall in his house. Banksy he is not.
He spices up concerts by stealing motorcycles and driving them into amplifiers, just before tumbling in the crowd and "injuring 17 people." (He justifies the recklessness with a snappy, "I'm just givin' 'em what they want!")
He shoots handguns at paparazzi helicopters. (Hell, everyone from Steven Seagal to Sarah Palin knows you need an MP5.)
He giggles, pouts, and grows three feet of facial hair during your Oscar-winning song. Back the hell off, Kris-Kroff.
When you win a Grammy, he'll interrupt your acceptance speech, halt the telecast, and humiliate you in front of your mentors Tony Orlando and Rita Coolidge. (You knew you loved this movie.)
And best of all, after he's married you and convinced you he's not a cooey flake like those good-for-nothing Bee Gees, he cheats on you with the first female proper noun in sight. Look at this harridan. She can't spell "People," let alone wail it.
Love will heal that wound, sure, but it won't help when he does this to the family convertible and his internal organs:
Like I said, Joan Didion co-wrote this screenplay. That turns out to be unsurprising when, after John gets in his ridiculous car accident, Esther mourns him and embarks upon a humiliating year of magical thinking. And by "magical," I do mean "wrong." No National Book Award for you, Babs.
There are plenty of Streisandian Bad Movies We Love, but A Star is Born is tops thanks to its needless existence (did we need a third version after Janet Gaynor and Judy Garland's A Star is Borns?), hilarious romance, and signature beardage. Runners-up for the throne include Nuts (which is a touch too boring for our love), Funny Lady (which is a touch too unnecessary), and The Way We Were (which is a touch too --- well, no, I'm just afraid of angering Robert Redford for some reason).
With that, BMWL departs until after the holiday. Dress your "Evergreen" with care, children! Or don't, and just let it look like its organic Gary Busey self.
