Which cousin or coworker did you call during the traumatizing Larry King Live finale? You called someone. You didn't make it alone. That I know. Personally, I jumped on IM with Movieline's Julie Miller. Together, we decided Larry King's swan song was the tri-gamete lovechild of CNN Newsroom, Night of a Thousand Stars, and A Clockwork Orange. Scary. Join us and suspender your disbelief.
Louis: Julie! Larry King's special last night was almost the anti-special, no?
Julie: It must have been special for someone. I'm still trying to figure out who that would be though. Maybe Larry's King's son? That was pretty much his SNL tryout.
Louis: And thank God, because Fred Armisen is so fired after last night. His Larry King impression might've just been his Barack Obama with jolted shoulders. But anyway, let's start from the beginning. Weren't Bill Maher and Ryan Seacrest a ridiculous pair to bring on? Did Larry think they'd bond over... shared histories of blondness?
Julie: Yes! I was trying to figure out why Bill Maher and Ryan Seacrest were the warm-up crew. I get that Ryan is kind of Larry's wingman. Or flyman. Or whatever they rambled about for 20 minutes.
Louis: But if you bring in the pandering Seacrest, you can't sit him next to the scoffing Maher. That is bad Guest Shui.
Julie: Observation: I get that most of the people on the show last night had some kind of relationship with Larry, but I was disappointed that movie stars weren't taking advantage of the free publicity. I expected Reese Witherspoon, Elle Fanning or Justin Timberlake to stop by, send Larry off and then slip in a plug. I expected more celebrity, less awkward satellite moments.
Louis: And more silly suspenders and glasses!
Julie: Important trivia: Larry tweeted that the red suspenders he wore last night were a gift from Bon Jovi.
Louis: Uh, where was he last night? We were stuck with Barbara Walters and Brian Williams. They were boring shills and it was too late in the day for Larry to remember them.
Julie: My favorite satellite moment was when Regis Philbin appeared, talked for five minutes about how he and Larry bonded long ago over their mutual love of all WWII songs. Then Regis proceeded to break into song, throw to Larry --- and Larry did not know the words.
Louis: Oh, lol. And Regis tried compensating with his, "Larry! C'mon, old boy! I'm gettin' the cane here!" thing.
Julie: Yes.
Louis: And Larry was just like, "I. Am. Hungry."
Julie: Second favorite satellite moment: Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that it was Larry King day in California. And Larry responded by growling, "Say hello to your wife."
Louis: HA. I loved that Arnold had a Larry King Day certificate. You know, to make it official. He pointed at it too, for extra effect. Maria was probably stringing up the tinsel for Larry King Day. But wait, wait: I just had a revelation.
Julie: ?
Louis: The best part of the Larry King finale was the tweets. I was obsessed with the tweets they kept showing at the bottom of the screen. The night's big winner? Jenny McCarthy: "I'm going to miss your sexy ass!"
Julie: Second place goes to Snoop Dogg: "Make sure you check the boss."
And third goes to Jimmy Fallon: "Congrats."
Louis: [I'm] DYING.
Julie: I thought whoever was in charge of wrangling Larry King tribute tweets failed though. After five minutes, it was all anonymous Tweeters like Janice B. and Joanna M. I wanted Oprah, El Kutch and P. Diddy
Louis: Yeah, where were Shaq and Paula Poundstone?
Julie: Lady Gaga and DJ Pauly D?
Louis: Fidel Castro and Elayne Boosler?
Julie: Ugh.
Louis: But wait. The absolute best moment. Was Katie Couric's poem.
Julie: I had to mute the television after the first couplet. I couldn't deal.
Louis: And now, a short statement about poems: There is always the woman in the office who writes rhyming poems to people who leave the company. Always. Katie Couric was that woman last night.
Julie: To use Larry King's favorite question, why? (...did she do that?)
Louis: Well, first of all, she needed an efficient way to say things like, "From Heather Mills' leg to Ross Perot's twang, you did not insult, or harass, or harangue." That was real. That was very real. And Larry responded the best way he know how: pretending to pay attention. Also, Katie: You cannot do this with Bill Maher in the vicinity. They cut right to him for the stankface, and he delivered.
Julie: Did he comment on the poem? My TV was muted for 10 minutes after the poem just to be safe.
Louis: No one commented on the poem. No one said, "Katie, you have a real command of the English language." Or, "Katie, your use of dactylic pentameter was trenchant and eerily moving."
Julie: That was horrific. Poetry readings make me uncomfortable. Louis, don't ever read poetry to me. Oh! I know what we need to talk about. Remember when surprise guest Bill Clinton appeared via satellite and Larry King awkwardly interrupted his intro to say "We're both in the zipper club."
Louis: YES.
Julie: And everyone was so freaked out that a few moments later, producers made Larry explain that by "zipper club," Larry did not mean some kind of underground fetish community but that they both had had heart operations.
Louis: I had hoped that we'd see Barbara Walters bite her lip in ecstasy at the first mention of "zipper club," or Seacrest clutching his chest and shrieking. But instead we got baffled Bill Clinton, whose zipper club antics got him impeached. So, honestly, maybe CNN did that part right!
Julie: Good for them?
Louis: Yeah. I did not anticipate finding a positive here. Should we end this right now? On this note?
Julie: Yes.
Louis: I'm fine with that.