1. Karen Carpenter and Kristy McNichol sing together, and maybe Kristy is the winner.
Karen Carpenter is Christmas's musical doyenne, but Kristy McNichol is a subversive little darling. The pair joined with Harvey Korman, puppets, and Richard Carpenter's clinically precise band on 1977's A Carpenters Christmas for a holiday-time tribute to New Year's resolutions. If you can believe it, Kristy's vaudevillian flair may have outshone Karen's best efforts. Footnote: Karen's supremacy would never be challenged again.
2. Donna Summer, Peabo Bryson, John Davidson, Suzanne Somers, Crystal Gayle, John Schneider, and Peter, Paul & Mary battle to make "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" the world's scariest song.
A Solid Gold Christmas is full of such long-gone magic that it may as well be the real Nativity story. Here, a cavalcade of throaty vocalists (with the exception of an operatic Donna Summer) sing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" with garrulous determination. Peabo Bryson may be the staunchest "figgy pudding" fan of the modern era, but John Davidson's all-too-earnest "We won't go until we get some!"s put him in pole position. He'll take Charlie Weaver for the win.
3. Johnny Cash calls Jesus "the King of Love."
The variety series grandmaster brings grizzled monotone to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" (with lovely June in tow), but more importantly, he wants us to remember that Jesus Christ is "the king of love." I have to agree, even if he and his friends stand inertly on staggered platforms like tramps in a Beckett play.
4. The Captain & Tennille, Pat Boone teach the future co-star of Terminator 2 the meaning of a California Christmas.
In this A California Christmas clip from the freewheeling year of 1900-and-85, Pat Boone and the Captain & Tennille sing "Christmas in California" to a tiny Danny Cooksey, the red-haired ragamuffin who would go on to flank the Connors in Terminator 2 and terrorize Camp Anawana on Nickelodeon's Salute Your Shorts. Do this to me one more time, muskrat.
5. Jerry Lawler writes to Santa and gets mauled by a gorilla.
In Memphis's WHBQ Christmas Special from 1977, Jerry Lawler has a simple wish for Santa: a formidable wrestling partner. When a giant gift is presented to the wrestling legend, Lawler hoots, "Santa came through for me again! My man!" but finds that Santa is playing Gift of the Magi games with him. A gorilla appears and picks up poor Jerry! For you and yours! Perfection.