What Could Go Wrong When MTV Drops Snooki at Midnight on New Year's Eve?

Snooki's most embarrassing public act will not be a simple boardwalk dance or a thongless front walkover; no, the Jersey Shore star is going full-on shameless for MTV's New Year's Bash this year, dropping in a ball at the stroke of midnight while the rest of the cast "tries to break the Guinness World Record for fist pumps." It's true. While I support all this celebration, I also worry for the safety of everyone involved. Thankfully I've listed all the possible hazard scenarios after the jump.

(Confession: I just want to write about slapstick Jersey Shore mishaps. Please indulge me.)

· As the crowd counts down and Snooki is lowered in a cloudy lucite orb, authorities mistake her for a missing wolverine and shoot it down. No one knows when midnight is, and Snooki is contractually obligated to leave the show and produce World Wildlife Fund PSAs until 2041. The Situation cries for some reason, but then murmurs that he often cries at night anyway,

· When DJ Pauly D's glitter tee starts shedding on the turntables, his equipment emits smoke. As the record warps, the once-enchanting refrain "Gotta beat up that beat" ends up sounding like "Gotta beat up each other" and "Gotta beat up the mayor." The congregation starts thrashing itself before marauding on over to the Seaside Heights capitol building/spa.

· JWOWW threatens a tree.

· Vinny gets his "watermelon d*ck" lodged in Snooki's magnificent pyrite orb, and his doting family is forced to loose it using only the fixings of a bountiful Italian meal. Mrs. Guadagnino reveals the embarrassing irony that Vinny's full name is "Vinaigrette" just before the key moment of release.

· Sammi cries on a cellphone that's powering all of MTV. Blackout until 2 a.m.

· Ronnie headbutts Idalis DeLeon, who wasn't invited.

· The Situation reveals that he's dating Bristol Palin, arguing that you can't fight with palpable on-screen chemistry. A corrupted Bristol mutters "for real, for real, for real" for the next few hours.

· Angelina is revealed as the missing wolverine and a scorned Snooki tackles her, knocking over a bowl of spiked Tootsie Rolls and the cast of The Buried Life. Anarchy commences, but midnight is saved.