The winter finale of Gossip Girl wasn't dedicated to the late Irwin Kershner, but it was a severed hand holding a champagne flute away from being an Upper East Side version of The Empire Strikes Back. After all, the Empire (Hotel) struck back, new alliances were forged and everything ended on a non-ending. All that was missing was some carbonite.
As the promos promised, "The Townie" introduced use to Dair (that's couple-speak for Dan and Blair), as the two joined forces, uneasily, to track down Juliet once and for all. That led them to a house party in Connecticut where Damien -- who you'll remember used Little J as a drug mule last season -- was selling to underage teens having a house party in the middle of the afternoon. (Oh, Connecticut.)
Anyway, long, flashback-strewn story, short: Serena knew Damien at Knightly, the boarding school she attended after washing out in New York. (He was a nerd right out of a Burr Steers movie.) They were friends-with-benefits (not a plug for the Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman film), but he got jealous when he saw Serena getting cozy with her English professor...Ben Donovan! Name doesn't ring any bells? He's Juliet's brother. Er, half-brother. (Oh, Connecticut.)
Serena and Ben were just chaste besties who didn't want to consummate their illegal relationship, but rumors started and after Serena left, she apparently never heard that Ben was sent to jail for five years because he statutory raped her. If only there was a vessel for rumor-mongering among the Serena van der Woodsen crowd (shakes fist helplessly at the sky)!
That's right: It was Lily who orchestrated everything. She perpetuated the lie about Ben to get Serena back into Constance, and then forged her signature on an affidavit to ensure that the townie teacher would spend at least five years in prison. But she was just doing it for Serena's future. (That she also railroaded Chuck by lying about her planned sale of Bass Industries is not important.)
In the end, Juliet amounted to nothing more than a red herring. It was Barzini all along. (Except for the part where Juliet drugged Serena, did cocaine while pretending to be her and dressed like an '80s jilted lover.) Still, the damage was done and we're left to ponder what will happen when the team reconvenes in January: Will Chuck reconcile with his brother Jack to bring down Lily? Will Serena get Ben out of jail by flashing her magic boobs at the judge upstate? Will Dan and Blair finally hook-up to alleviate all of their suffocating sexual tension? Will Nate's father wind up screwing him over? Will we ever hear from Vanessa again, other than in the context of Dan saying he's going to turn her room into an office? Will Han Solo survive? Good questions, all. Let's all hold hands while John Williams plays us through the final Wit & Wisdom Index of 2010.
"Spotted: Dan and Blair exiting Sant Ambroeus with espresso doppio for two; but we hear it's not the caffeine that's got them talking a mile a minute...it's a mission."
Yes, I said it: Dan and Blair should totally hook-up. Dan is perfect for Blair! He's submissive and she hates him, two things seemingly required to get into her high thread count sheets. Plus, Dan and Blair haven't hooked up yet and they aren't related. In Gossip Girl world, that's as rare as seeing Halley's Comet.
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.
"Buckle up kids, looks like this unholy alliance is hitting the road."
Exhibit B as to why these two should get together: Their road trip banter! Blair is a GPS! She hates Dan's musical tastes! The Flintstones car could go faster! Am I going to have to write fanfic about this? (Oh, who am I kidding: there probably already is some...some which I will not Google and link here. Standards, people.)
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.
"Better step on it Juliet, because your clean getaway just got very messy."
Here's the thing: Remember earlier in the season when Juliet was the manipulated innocent and Ben was the crazy brother; the type of dude who beat Nate's father into the infirmary to send Juliet a message? No, well neither do the writers. Bonus though for having Blair refer to Juliet and her mother as a "Mystic Pizza townie family."
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.
"Uh-oh, S. You've got a surprise visitor, and she's about to give you shock therapy."
Crazy alert! Neither Dan nor Blair could get into the Ostroff Center to see Serena -- when Dan, as he stuttered, is Serena's stepbrother-cum-make-out partner -- but Juliet was able to sneak in and just sit in her room in the dark like a crazy person. Shenanigans.
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.
"Time to turn on the charm Lily, because your perfect party just turned into the perfect storm."
Let's give Kelly Rutherford some credit: She can turn Lily from doting hostess to manipulative she-devil with the crook of an eyebrow. This is Natalie Portman-in-Black Swan level stuff! (Minus the discipline, years of training and Oscar buzz.)
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.
"They say you reap what you sow. Better get out your gardening gloves, Lily; looks like you're going to have a bumper crop this year."
Burrrrrnnnnnnnnnnn. Sometimes Gossip Girl sounds like she's balancing her check book on these line readings; sometimes she's still got it. This was one of the latter times.
Wit or Wisdom: Wit.
"Whenever we give up something we really care about, we hope the universe will reward our selfless choice. However, it's not always fate that gives us a gift, sometimes it's someone closer to home. If you love someone, set them free."
There's an interesting trend happening on Gossip Girl: The kids are growing up and acting like adults. Last week, Dan had the most genuine talk with Lily in the history of the series, and during "The Townie," he let his "true love" go on her road trip to freedom without him. It was adorable and noble (and not noble in that martyr-ish way the Humphrey men operate). Dan set Serena free! Will she return? Nope, probably not! But it's the thought that counts. (They're related by marriage, that ship has sailed.)
Wit or Widsom: Wisdom.
OVERALL: Wit ruled the day, but really this episode wasn't about Gossip Girl and her tongue-twisters. It was about the gang of Upper East Siders growing up, solving mysteries, exposing fraud (and other criminal activities) and eating Thanksgiving dinner. Let's hope 2011 brings more of the same...and less of Jenny and Vanessa. As we've said before, the path to enlightenment is littered with their discarded hair extensions.