I asked the same question again and again during The A-List: New York's reunion last night: Why are we reuniting? After a season of dropped storylines and manufactured tiffs, we were left with pretty much nothing to talk about. Austin's engaged to somebody off-camera, Reichen and Rodiney are together-ish, and Derek is a squirrel. What else is there to discuss? Host (and weave sorceress) Wendy Williams tried hard to dredge up some vitriol, but even she couldn't make this non-drama dramatic. Without further ado, let's settle this season by predicting each cast member's future. It can't be that hard.
Reichen: After he and Rodiney break up in 2018 because the thrill's not there anymore (and, actually, they've only met each other twice), Reichen continues his career as an "entrepreneur." His line of pilot jewelery tanks, but his books on humorlessness become bestsellers. He's anointed the international spokesperson for humorlessness, writes a pop song for National Humorless Day called "I'd Rather Not Talk About That," and on one pivotal day, he is asked to smirk in front of Congress.
Rodiney: After he and Reichen break up in 2018 because "Reichen, him does not make a happy Rodiney," Rodiney rejuvenates his modeling career for almost 30 days. Following that, he joins an art installation about "peace" where he is forced to sit in a gallery with good lighting and not speak for weeks at a time. He is a success.
Derek: Derek's modeling agency fires him because it "didn't realize" he was "a shrill chinchilla demon." He heads for Europe to explore museums, culture, and a dictionary, where he finally learns the definition of his favorite word, "uncouth." Derek is charmed by the country's attractions, but he's eventually deported to America because European officials "didn't realize" he was "a nefarious badger prince." Once in the states again, his plumped lips become a major cash cow, and he winds up the highest-tipped maître d' at the Waffle House in Edwardsville, Illinois. (Holler!)
Austin: It turns out Austin's fiancee Jake was just a projection made from mirrors and other Scooby Doo villain paraphernalia. Not a surprise. However, Austin claims he's done begging for the approval of others (modeling agents) and sets out for a life of transcendental meditation. He becomes a nudist, but after a few years of profound reflection, he realizes that no one wants to see that. He starts wearing heavy gowns every day (even in swimming pools) and soon finds work as a designer for avant-garde monastery robes.
Ryan: In a tragic injection mishap, Ryan encases himself in something of a Botox sarcophagus. He is buried alive at age 30 and sometimes gets a whimper to surface through the countless layers of Botox, Vaseline, dandelion extracts, and former faces. He should be fine in there.
Mike: Mike got a haircut and no longer looks like a brute version of Rowlf from Muppet Babies. As such, no one quite remembers what he looks like, and maybe he wants it that way. Miss him.
TJ: TJ is wearing a bonnet in a vacant apartment somewhere and hooting out the window for more cashews. The end.