This week in sickening news: People name their kids after Glee characters and Betty Draper. A tally of baby names in 2010 shows that "Quinn," "Finn," and "Betty" are exponentially more popular spawn labels than they were in 2009. That is too bad. Naming your child is a profound task, and if you plan on using a TV character as source material, the least you can do is not consider the folks who mangled Sally Draper's childhood or Rocky Horror. Here are 10 characters -- with fancy, zeitgeist-tickling names -- who deserve your consideration.
Joan Holloway from Mad Men
If you're sensible enough to want your child sassy, smart, and full of contemptuous stankface, then Joan Holloway is an ideal prototype. "Joan" is due for a Gen Y revival, and if you're one of those creeps with a last-name-for-first-name fetish, "Holloway" does the job.
Enoch "Nucky" Thompson from Boardwalk Empire
Corrupt characters on TV often have great names, and Nucky here is no exception. Your child deserves this name if he plans on being a high-rolling, tails-sporting trickster. Hell, name yourself Nucky.
NaOnka from Survivor
She may have ditched the show last week after 28 days of grueling wind and rain, but NaOnka leaves an indelible mark on viewers -- and now your family tree! If you want a child who openly pilfers flour, calls everyone in sight "a fool," and barks in confessionals, look no further.
Mondo Guerra from Project Runway
Gretchen bested him in the incomprehensible season-eight finale of Project Runway, but Mondo's suspenders, beanies, itsy-bitsy shorts, and penchant for patterns make him a winner to us. Plus, your kid might be cool enough to handle his name. "Mondo": Not just a flavor of Hi-C punch anymore.
Abed from Community
Somebody's got to make the zippy pop culture references in your new family -- may as well be your adorable tyke with the robotic stare, slight twitch, and polygonal facial features.
Gilly from Saturday Night Live
For the naughty, coy, and devious perpetual grade-schooler in your home, Gilly is a fine fit. It's cheekily androgynous too, so maybe your arthouse-bound son would also appreciate it.
Phaedra from The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Once upon a time, Phaedra was just the mythological wife of Theseus who killed herself after falsely claiming Hippolytus raped her, but now she is a delightful Atlanta housewife who is more concerned about wearing sparkly footwear than the child she is currently delivering. Your lying, vain daughter will thank you.
Shoshana from United States of Tara
Tara's newest alter on USoT is a Noo Yawkuh who spews comforting platitudes and enjoys helpful, marriage-invigorating sex with Max. Your kid can only hope to have so much personality. Teehee!
(Arthur) Frobisher from Damages
The role may have withered since season one, but "Frobisher," Ted Danson's dastardly buffoon character on Damages, is a decision-maker with money, means, and now some enlightenment too. Try to keep your precious daughter Frobisher Addison away from the cocaine and prostitutes, though. That's how the choice to bump off civilians involved with big lawsuits happens.
JWOWW from Jersey Shore
Don't bother calling your sweet rose "Jenni." Go full WOWW and establish your kid as the bustiest, Sammi-throttling beyatch in Seaside Heights. If you're feeling skeptical, don't worry, you don't have to choose "J"! "K" has the same effect.