After overdosing on Sue Sylvester in last week's Carol Burnett-enhanced episode (Sue Sylvester literally married herself in a ceremony officiated by herself while her mother, played by Burnett, watched), Glee scribes carefully put Jane Lynch back into her Adidas-sponsored holding area for this week's episode, "Special Education." But that's OK, because Jayma Mays returned from a three week Anthropologie-sponsored guidance counselor retreat (one can only assume) to stomp all over Schue's heart with John Stamos, who appeared briefly in a montage. Actually, this is not OK at all. Let's review.
If Glee characters were action figures, I would propose a permanent trade of Emma Pillsbury for Sue Sylvester. Ol' Sue has already been filling the roles of Cheerios coach, principal and primary source of comic relief this season, so I don't think it would be too difficult for her to also pose as guidance counselor. Not only would this have improved last night's dismal humor quotient, but it would have also cured "Special Education" of the lackluster Emma-Schue story arc.
Will Schuester is all short fuses these days, like that scary alcoholic dad on Supernanny last year. Only instead of disappearing for three-day benders and returning with threats to burn down the house, Schue dissolves into his own weird depression, crooning at the weddings of his students' parents one day and engaging in weird Icy-Hot sex with his ex the next. Sometimes he is in a decent mood; other times he snaps at his star New Direction: "Take that off!! I'm tired of this, Rachel!! You have a terrible attitude!! You are a lousy sport and it is not okay anymore!!"
I am scared to enter the choir room, frankly. What mood will Schue be in? Will he slap Finn on the back and charismatically yell "Now that's what I'm talking about!" for no apparent reason? Will he knock some sense into his students Ike Turner-style? Or will he take to his bed with "the flu"? Until an intervention is planned, we can only hope that Mercedes voices her (and our) fear in a Annie Lennox tribute about how everyone is walking on broken glass...or egg shells.
But last night's "Special Education" was not entirely frightening and plot-less. New Directions tied with the Warblers at Sectionals, qualifying them for Regionals. Kurt enrolled in his new private school and almost killed a bird named Pavarotti. Rachel discovered that Finn had slept with Santana and revenge-kissed Puck. Artie and Brittany took their relationship to the next level after a misunderstanding about the word "adultery." Schue was moody. And Emma married Carl in Vegas and looked into the camera with regret while the New Directions were jamming out to a Florence and the Machine song. Let's take a look at the highs and lows.
HIGH NOTES
· Darren Criss. But is Darren Criss's charm overwhelming the rest of the cast, even Chris Colfer?
· Santana's Amy Winehouse tribute, "Valerie."
· "I know that I can't, just like I know that the cricket that reads to me is totally stealing my jewelry." -- Brittany to Artie.
· Rachel and Kurt bonding over Evita.
· "Why don't you come to my church on Sunday and get some of my cousins to sign up for the Klan?" -- A black McKinley student to Puck after he tries to recruit him to the New Directions.
· Rachel Berry duct-taping her mouth shut.
LOW NOTES
· Couldn't Rachel just be mad that Finn slept with another girl? Did their fight have to return to Rachel's unlikely insecurity about her appearance?
· The New Directions' senior citizen competition at Sectionals: The Hipsters.
· Disturbing lack of Sue Sylvester and Burt Hummel.
GLEESARY
Am-bad-ass-ador -- (n.) The position as highest ranking (and most bad ass) diplomat of the glee club at McKinley High. Puck assumes this position in order to recruit a twelfth member to the New Directions so that they can compete in Sectionals.
Hobbit -- (n.) Santana's nickname for Rachel, along with Yentl.
POP QUIZ
1. Artie gives Brittany a magic ____ for good luck at Sectionals.
a) fedora
b) comb
c) sock
d) rock
2. If the New Directions lose at Sectionals, what does Brittany suggest they throw onstage?
a) Raccoons
b) Pasta
c) Hair clippings
d) Possums
3. The football team locks Puck inside of a ____ for 24 hours after he tries to recruit them for glee club.
a) Porta Potty
b) Locker
c) Genie bottle
d) Dance cage
e) Glass case of emotion
4. Who does Schue choose to be the surprise star(s) of McKinley's Sectionals performance?
a) Himself
b) Brittany and Mike Chang
c) Lauren and Puck
d) His white-rapping alter-ego Dwaynez
5. What does Lauren demand in exchange for joining the New Directions?
a) A walk-on role on House.
b) A Hot Topic gift card and a vocal coach.
c) A Katy Perry solo and everyone's vote for prom queen.
d) A carton of Cadbury eggs and seven minutes in heaven with Puck.
6. Who is Lauren?
a) No clue
b) A wrestler who loves Cadbury Cream Eggs (out of season)
c) Seriously, no clue
d) An extra
ANSWERS: 1) b; 2) d; 3) a; 4) b; 5) d; 6) b