The tan clan's in Maine, vacationing like radiation-affected Griswolds, and the whole cast has a message for home-viewers: "This is staged and we know it. Holler!" Look, here comes Derek in a ridiculous sea-green bathrobe. There's TJ swishing down the stairs in your auntie's nightgown. There's bare-assed Austin! For the finale, the cast is pulling out all the stops, showboating their self-awareness like (what else?) novice drag queens.
"We're in Maine, and I want a hefty slice of Austin bitch-slapping Rodiney!" Derek yaps in confessional. He's done at least four takes before getting that "witticism" right, but I have to agree: We better see Austin and Rodiney engaged in one of the following activities this episode: 1) wrasslin', 2) decapitating each other simultaneously like Bushido samurai, or 3) fornicating like methed-up child stars. Any will do. If we can come up with a hybrid of #2 and #3, then God bless Logo and this fine nation.
But first, some boring-ass drama: Reichen and Rodiney keep taking out the jetskis and leaving the other four guys on the shore. It pisses them off! Ugh! This is chaos. TJ can't stop hollering! Austin can't stop bickering! Ryan's forehead botulism arranges itself to spell "Boo, Reichen."
Once Reichen and Rodiney's reign of terror ends and they drive the SeaDoos to shore, it's time to take the pettiness inside. Rodiney starts making a Portuguese salad with cabbage, and that pisses Austin off.
"I've never seen a salad with cabbage in it!" he hoots to anyone within earshot, and unfortunately we qualify. "Salads aren't for cabbage! They're for salad!" He didn't say that, but I heard it.
He continues, "I think Rodiney's a retard. I'm sorry he came into my life."
Ouch. Out of bounds, Austin. Sure, Rodiney's a regular cabbage of baggage, but he doesn't deserve that vitriol. Luckily Ryan's here to set him straight with what turns out to be the funniest quote of the season.
"Austin, honey, I could be with my husband right now," he begins. "Derek could be working and making money. TJ could be in Ogunquit, Maine, on his knees. But we've all chosen to be here. Settle down." God I love when TJ is treated like a twitchy prostitute. I've come to enjoy him on the show, but I mean...he's a twitchy prostitute, you know? That's just what he is. It's a title that feels right. Like boxer briefs.
During the group's last meal in Maine, Derek wears overalls with no shirt underneath (to assure us he's the most self-aware attention whore since, say, Salome) and Austin starts a meaningless fight with Reichen and Rodiney. Someone had to.
"Look, I'm sorry for throwing a drink in your face, Rodiney, but you and Reichen never get along"
Rodiney starts to piece together an ESL response using his adorable Speak & Spell brain, but Reichen tells both parties to shut up. After all, a fun argument was about to happen, and watchability is verboten on this show. Way to go, Reichen. But fear not, viewers, because Austin decides to get naked and run around the beach one last time. That's our (disowned) girl.
"If I was Austin, for sure I'd never take my clothes off," Rodiney tells us. Meow, bitch! Thunderc*nts are go! Good for him though.
Now, from this point, the entire group ends up discussing gay marriage -- because the "A" in A-List stands for "advocacy" today, or something -- and Austin apologizes to Rodiney again because life is short and it's terrible that gay people can't get married everywhere. I'm telling you that's what happened. That's real. Austin also starts bawling, and it's more uncomfortable than your average Brady Bunch variety series. Yeesh. Ryan diffuses the situation by saying that he knows his marriage is great because he didn't even think of getting a pre-nup. Phew. That is more comfortably senseless. I feel at home again.
Once everyone retreats to New York, Reichen is still intent on becoming a pop star. It's going to happen for him, guys. As Reichen's producers play back his first recording, we're treated to some of the finest lyrics of the modern songwriting era.
"She's fire. She's Earth. She's water. She's God."
If born-again Bob Dylan ever watched Captain Planet, this is the poetry he'd have gifted us with, I'm sure. Also, who is "she"? We damn well this show isn't about (hock, spit) women! Don't insult us, Reichen! Also: Who told you to express emotions, Reichen? Easily your worst move yet, girl.
"I'm a little bit scared of my vocals," he admits to us. The honesty is nice, but he could've just said, "I am not good at anything," and this entire show would've been worth it. Fortunately, one of his producers approaches the camera and finds a way to be even more honest. "If this song is going to work," he says, "we're going to have to pull a rabbit out of our asses." That is not an expression, but using my fire, water, and earth powers, I see what he means.
Interlude: Ryan announces to us that he and his husband are meeting with surrogacy counselors. He's going to be a father! Oh well. Back to Reichen.
We arrive at some charity event where Reichen is set up to perform his hit single, "Earth, Fire, Wind, God, Feelings, Etc." Derek and Austin are attending, and they've heard that Reichen will be performing a cappella.
"I think that means 'with electricity,'" Austin says to us. Oh, wrongness: You have served this show well.
After Ryan and Mike Ruiz (with full Rowlf shag) show up to support the Reich, the dubious songwriter of the hour sits down with a guitar to perform. So he's not even performing a cappella. How did Austin miss this in his last seven-hour producer meeting? Maybe he was busy learning what a gay marriage is.
Anyway, Reichen performs. It's notably crappy.
"She's earth! She's fire! She's water!" he rasps. Rodiney, standing in the front and only row, mouths along. Derek and Austin clutch their breasts in contempt. Even Reichen must realize he sounds like a Ronette who keeps tripping and falling on her throat.
"Everyone came up to me and said they loved it," he tells us afterward. "That I was amazing."
I mean, he is "amazing." Could you deny it? But in the last act of the season, Reichen gleans that Derek and Austin are mocking him -- and he decides to confront them. Austin clamors wildly. Then we see Reichen and Rodiney in the back of a limo (Cab? Cab.) afterward, and they decide to stay together. Or so I think? My DVR cut off the last few sentences. I don't think I missed anything though, right? Well, just in case something dramatic really did happen, I'll try to recapture all its glory right now: Rodiney makes a doe face! Reichen cries too hard! Austin gets naked at a McDonalds! It all makes sense! "Rosebud" was his sled!
God. This show. Let's shape our forehead botulism into a "<3" for the next 30 minutes. And then let's wash our hands for the next 30 years.