While reliving the glorious high of Gwyneth Paltrow's episode of Glee last week (do not be foolish; it was her episode entirely), Movieline sadly figured that viewers would not score another hit of Ryan Murphy's series this season that would produce the same euphoria. But we were wrong, because last night's episode -- regrettably titled "Furt" -- delivered what Gleams* are made of: a storyline in which Sue Sylvester marries Sue Sylvester, Mike O'Malley steals screentime from Schue and Carol Burnett guest-stars as a deadbeat mother who sings Broadway tunes. Now onto the highs and lows.
The episode began with Burt Hummel and Carole Hudson tracking down Kurt and Finn to tell them that they are engaged. Excitedly, Kurt agrees to plan the wedding since he has stacks of bridal magazines hidden under his bed and announces that his new family will have a Glee wedding. This means that the New Directions will sing and dance down the aisle Office-wedding style and then Schue will serenade the new couple at the reception while suggestively groping his microphone. Finn, on the other hand, is silent and awkward and reluctant about the new family arrangement. But to be fair, Finn is silent and awkward and reluctant about most things including sex, football and cafeteria lunches.
Meanwhile, Sue Sylvester tries online dating only to realize that there is but one person for her: herself. So she sends out invitations for the marriage ceremony of Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester... which will be officiated by Sue Sylvester. It would have been a glorious event, held at her sister's nursing home -- if only her runaway mother (Carol Burnett) hadn't turned up to bully her, scowl at her Adidas striped-wedding dress and force the new principal to join her in a song from the musical Wonderful Town.
As Kurt's wedding planning heats up, he also encounters more threats from the school bully who kissed him in the locker room. Finn, being silent and awkward and reluctant about this too, refused to join the football team in cornering Karofsky for a good old-fashioned locker pounding. But that's OK, because the episode's hero, Emmy-nominated Mike O'Malley, caught onto the bullying while getting dance lessons from his son in the New Directions classroom (don't ask, it was a happy accident) and confronted the bully. Later, when Sue tries to expel Karofsky, the school board overrules her. Having felt the cruel, gnarled fist of bullying herself recently (from her mom), Sue steps down as principal so that she can protect the hallways from closeted homosexual bullies like Karofsky and senior citizens who force their children to sing '50s showtunes.
But that was enough for Kurt and Kurt's father, who used the savings that he had planned on using for his honeymoon to send his son to the private school of his "Teenage Dream(s)."
HIGH NOTES
· "...which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as 'outdoorsy.'" -- Sue
· Finn's awkward best man speech: "And today, a new union was formed: Furt. Me and you, man, we're brothers from another mother. Quite frankly, no one else has shown me what it is to be a man."
· "Marry You" and "Sway"
LOW NOTES
· Do you know what might be key during a high-pressure bullying situation: a guidance counselor. Sadly, Emma Pillsbury was nowhere to be seen.
· Disappointing lack of Darren Criss and John Stamos
GLEESARY
Promise ring - (n.) A piece of jewelry that symbolizes a promise to a partner "to be true, to never ever pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have something in your teeth or when you have eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy to move around." At least that is what Sam told Quinn last night.
Lady - (n.) An unacceptable nickname for gay men employed by Sue Sylvester.
eDesperate - (n.) A fictional dating website used by Sue Sylvester.
POP QUIZ
1. According to Sue's online dating profile, which of the following is she not passionate about?
a) Extreme taxidermy
b) Deflating wheelchair tires
c) Tantric yelling
d) Poking the elderly with hidden pins
**2. Which of the following nicknames does Sue not offer to use on Kurt instead of "lady?"
a) Burlesque
b) Gelfling
c) Porcelain
d) Tickle-Me Dollface
3. What does Sue Sylvester's mother hunt?
a) Ugly children
b) Extinct animals
c) Fowl
d) Nazis
4. As a child, what kind of songs did Sue sing to herself?
a) Appalachian murder ballads
b) Lullabies about genocide
c) Coded slave songs
d) The song of silence
5. Which celebrity couple does Sue invite to her wedding?
a) John Travolta and Kelly Preston
b) Ellen and Portia DeGeneres
c) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
d) President and Mrs. Obama
ANSWERS: 1) b; 2) a; 3) d; 4) a; 5) d
*: Gleek dreams, of course