Gay yawn. This week's episode of The A-List: New York was doomed to be a little boring. The season finale is next week, and that'll treat us to the bawling, face-humping, weave-snatching, scrotum-yanking, and collagen-needle fights we signed up for. In the meantime, we're stuck with an episode that gave us just a whole bunch of staged table conversations. I thought I was watching an LGBT community center's production of The Gin Game. Luckily, everyone was still mockable. Let's do the honors.
We begin our descent into twink hell with Derek, Ryan, and TJ, who are sitting around to discuss Rodiney and Austin's fight last week.
"They're animals!" yammers Derek, he the offended meerkat as usual (see below). "But it was Reichen's fault."
Ryan's face Botoxes itself in agreement. TJ yells "I agree" and manually yanks back his forehead to fit in. (Nice try, TJ.) The trio wants to visit Reichen in Maine next week, but they realize they only want to go if Austin comes with and Reichen-ruining Rodiney doesn't. This marks an about-face from a couple weeks ago, when Derek hated Austin so much that he'd yip the word "uncouth" 400 times in a half-hour like the Mad Hatter every time Austin entered the room.
Meanwhile, Reichen's holding a meeting with some producers about (wait for it) recording a song.
"I got a letter about Don't Ask Don't Tell that really touched me," Reichen says to them, inventing an ability to receive or read letters. "So I wrote a song about it and want to record it."
As Reichen reaches for his guitar, the producers brace themselves for the worst. Believe it or not, they were wrong -- not to jump off the roof. For starters, one of Reichen's lyrics is "But did she really know meeee?" Secondly, Reichen sings like a tubercular nonagenarian parrot.
The producers try for diplomacy. "You're more of a Bob Dylan than a Mariah Carey," one says, that idiot, trying to indicate that Reichen's more of a lyricist than a singer. "Your song has potential, but we need to tweak it a lot." The Freewheelin' Reichen Lehmkuhl looks let down, but mysteriously, the producers let him record his horrible vanity single anyway. Derek joins him in the studio.
"I'm not sure where he falls," Derek tells us. "I'm not sure if he's a baritone or a no-tone."
Cute job, Derek. Except here's the other problem: Reichen's lyrics are even worse than his vocals, which already sound like an asphyxiated, lonely puma. Reichen's lyrics are even worse than Reichen.
"You know I love you up to the skyyyyy," he sings. That is not a typo. "You know I love you up to the sky" is correct. It sounds senseless, but it's going to end Don't Ask Don't Tell, which is something.
We flash over to Rodiney, who complains to a straight woman that he doesn't need terrible people like Austin in his life. Whatever. We flash over to Mike Ruiz, who's taking pictures of himself for a big gallery show. He's boring today too, so let's leave them both alone for now. (Though I will say, Mike Ruiz has gotten rid of his Fancy Bulldog haircut, which is nice. He doesn't look like he's voiced by Sinbad in Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco anymore.)
Back to the lip-injected fun people: Ryan, TJ, and Derek are sitting at yet another abandoned diner preparing to ask Reichen about visiting Maine and leaving Rodiney behind.
"I'm going to be so classy and eloquent with him!" TJ proclaims before Reichen arrives. I don't care if you read an Emma Lazarus poem and arrived in a coach-and-four, TJ, you'd still seem like an spazzy preteen.
Lo and behold, Reichen shows up. How are you, Reichen?
"I'm just so over the drama," he says (in lieu of "hello"). Now that formalities are out of the way, TJ blurts that he won't go to Maine if Rodiney is attending. Then Derek contributes, "I won't go unless Austin goes. That way I don't look like a lush." Reichen is understandably moved by these pleas because he is 1) a lyricist and 2) not really over the drama.
Not knowing what to do about his disliked boyfriend, Reichen decides to conference with Austin. He can hardly take Austin seriously since he hates Rodiney so much. We can hardly take Reichen seriously because he looks like Powdered Toast Man (see right).
"Last time I saw Austin I had just gotten done beating the sh*t out of his boyfriend," Austin proudly notes to us. He wins a truth point. The two try to figure out how to deal with the rift between Rodiney and Austin, but their efforts are fruitless: Across town, Rodiney is telling Ryan a kiss-and-make-up session is impossible. And somewhere in the middle of this, TJ is yelling that he loves Austin suddenly.
"The thing is, I look at Austin and see myself!" he shouts. "People like Ryan helped me see I didn't need to be drunk all the time!"
Embarrassing, yes, but more importantly, I can never figure out who is supposed to be an alcoholic on this show. Austin is? Derek is? TJ is? Anyone watching at home is? It's like a whodunit around here, except the culprit is grim unhappiness -- Jessica Fletcher's toughest goon yet.
Anyway, Rodiney continues telling Ryan why Austin is intolerable.
"I do think Austin wants to sleep with Reichen," he says. "Because he is jealous with myself."
Too bad Reichen isn't in the room, or he could've stolen that sentence and turned it into a number one hit. Bottom line: Everyone is going to Maine now, including Rodiney and Austin.
"Rodiney's coming to Maine?" Derek says to us. "He must be a glutton for punishment." Or for being on the show. But we know those are synonyms.
After an embarrassing spray-tan session that leaves TJ looking like I did when I covered myself in orange lotion for my Thai role in Lemont High School's The King and I, the whole cast (sans Ruiz) is off to Maine. They take separate cars, which is nice, because Reichen briefs Rodiney about Austin's plans to be naked the whole time. Rodiney is perturbed, or maybe he just didn't understand that sentence at all. Have we ever stopped to consider how much Rodiney might not understand? The results may be poignant.
Rodiney and Austin enjoy an awkward standoff when they meet up in Maine, but we close the episode with Reichen confessing to Austin that he's "lost the boyfriend feeling for Rodiney." The Righteous Brothers don't even want that royalty check. Austin's final line of the episode is a significant one that will guide us gently into next week's inevitable debauchery. "You can't get that back," he says.
So, will Austin and Reichen hook up next week? What about Derek and Austin? Have you considered Ryan and TJ? What about TJ and a spooky tree? Reichen and the sky? Bob Dylan and Derek? The permutations for perversity are endless, which nicely picks up where our patience leaves off. Hopefully Rodiney can break some faces, as well as a few more pinatas full of English. He knows I'm jealous of himself.