· Rihanna put on a Lucy wig and sang in a tree. Fine.
· The Black Eyed Peas won their eighth award, bringing the AMA Legitimacy Count to zero.
· It's taken Enrique Iglesias over 10 years, but he finally looks like Justin Bieber. A teachable moment.
· Miley Cyrus is a grownup now, and you can tell because she sang in front of candles. She also wore Stevie Nicks rags and aimed for "Gypsy" flair but ended up looking like Sheryl Crow's entitled niece. Pretty cool.
· There is a rap/song trio called "Diddy Dirty Money," featuring Diddy. Welcome to 2010.
· Taylor Swift continued her Eve Harrington humility shtick upon winning Best Country Female, but she's also (damn it) a really likable person. I can't help it.
· Kid Rock sang a belty ballad. The audience bawitdabawled.
· "Favorite Latin Artist" winner Shakira didn't show. Dick Clark can finally cross that pesky "America" off his globe.
· The Black Eyed Peas sang a sleazy single. I'm going to call them a more fitting name for the rest of this post. How does "Kidz Bop Rainbow Party" sound to you guys? Perfect, it stays.
· A crasher stormed the stage and tunelessly improvised a pop single. It turned out to be Katy Perry in a planned performance, which took the fun out of it.
· Willow Smith introduced Justin Bieber. Totally thought she was going to present his old ass with the Thalberg Award.
· Jon Bon Jovi decided to quit aging in 1998.
· Justin Bieber wore one of his fancy Rihanna jackets when winning the Breakthrough Award. He also said he came from "the smallest town in the world with, like, 30,000 people." The people of actual small towns will take this to town hall.
· Taylor Swift gave her best award show performance to date -- and she also sang a lick or two of OneRepublic's "Apologize." Oooh.
· Justin Bieber won another award, and said during his speech, "I've been singing Eminem since I was, like, three." When he walked off the stage, he handed his trophy to a bystander like a jaded Kidz Bop Rainbow Party member.
· It's not a really a "burlesque" if I can see all of Christina Aguilera's desperation, is it?
· Lady Antebellum won something. I just thought of a mistake you can make if you're in an old-fashioned country band -- putting the word "antebellum" in your name.
· Ke$ha performed. It's a shame her name was mistranslated from its original Caucasian.
· Justin Bieber beat Lady Gaga, Eminem, Ke$ha, and Katy Perry for Artist of the Year. He is the first Artist of the Year whose primary medium is Spirograph.
· Best of all, the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block joined forces for a climactic performance. They're still hangin' tough, and that's what makes them larger than life. And a little old.