"There has to be a way to find relief," Meredith Grey told viewers last night. "Because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will explode." Similarly, if we don't discuss the pain that mounted during last night's installment, "Something's Gotta Give," (of no relation to the Nancy Meyers comedy in which Diane Keaton hooks up with Jack Nicholson) it will also explode. As Shonda Rhimes taught us, you will then either force yourself on a co-worker in the break room, or punch out another co-worker in a swanky Seattle apartment. So join us for this week's Grey's Anatomy stress relief, in the form of the weekly pain scale.
1. An Annoying Child Patient Repeatedly Shoots Ping Pong Balls at a Hungover Karev
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 2. Arm pain from phantom ping pong balls. All Karev wanted to do was take a kid's temperature, recover from a nasty Vegas hangover and get out of Seattle Grace so that he could tend to his finicky car. And that platinum-haired kid would not stop shooting ping pong balls at him. Beginning to sweat, Karev ripped the ping pong gun out of his hands and stormed off dramatically, knowing somewhere deep inside that the confiscated weapon might save another patient.
2. While in the Throes of Depression, Cristina Spontaneously Cuts Off a Chunk of Callie's Hair
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 4. Poor Cristina, she's been through a lot. She was forced to perform emergency surgery at gunpoint...by her best friend. And she never recovered. So she quit her job and retreated to her converted firehouse home, like anyone would, to dance manically to female empowerment music. Callie, having just been broken up with dramatically in the international terminal of the airport, entered Cristina's repressed depression chamber by her own free will and suffered the consequences: a butchered haircut.
3. Suddenly Seattle Grace Has a V.I.P. Wing
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 5. Throbbing headache. What!? Seven seasons in, all of a sudden we are hearing about this V.I.P. wing at Seattle Grace. "Who is in there? The president? Is it Bono," asked Jackson, also stunned by the fact that Seattle Grace all of a sudden had a wing for very important people.
4. Super-Serious Secret Service Men Swarm Seattle Grace, Give Teddy Attitude
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 6. Nausea, specifically when the secret service men repeat hackneyed lines meant to build pressure like, "No one can know this man is in the country." Later, a secret service man told Teddy, "Between you and me, this is a good man. It would be a shame if this screwed up what he was trying to do." Which brings me to the question, "Who was this man and did anyone care?" That's what I thought.
5. Bailey Leaves Jackson to Watch Over a Patient With These Dramatic Words: "Eat When You Can, Sleep When You Can and Don't Screw With the Pancreas"
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 4. Pain in the right temple, premonition that something terrible is about to happen to Jackson's new, lilac afghan-wearing patient. Viewers likely fell asleep last night with Bailey's words "Don't screw with the pancreas," ringing somewhere deep in their subconscious. (Sadly, the lilac afghan-wearing patient died by the end of the episode, causing Jackson's nervous breakdown.)
6. Peter MacNicol Guest-Stars As An Evil Surgeon Who Half-Asses Infant Liver Transplant Surgeries
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 6. Cold sweat. Peter MacNicol, since starring in a series about an oversexualized law firm, your ability to embody repressed surgeons with no sympathy for concerned parents of four-month old babies named Lisa, has improved significantly.
7. Cristina and Callie (Wearing a Hat to Cover Her Butchered Haircut) Use Their Free Time to Go Furniture Shopping
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 4. Heartache. Just last season, Cristina was acing surgeries and saving lives and now she is absentmindedly eating mall food while admiring the simple lives of mall-walkers.
8. McDreamy Warns Cristina That Her Husband And Co-Workers Are Planning an Intervention For Her
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 0. Swoon. Even though Cristina's husband and overbearing coworkers were planning to force her to return to Seattle Grace, McDreamy saw that that this would be unfair. Because he is perfect, from his hair to his ability to sympathize with traumatized surgeons to his ability to advise co-workers on bathroom tile.
9. Karev Goes Jekyll and Hyde on April In the Break Room
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 7. No, Karev, no! After Karev saved Liver Transplant Baby Lisa with an ingenious idea involving a ping pong ball -- and then received no credit for his brilliance -- April sought him out and fed his ego. Karev kissed her, tore off her shirt and then when she asked him to slow down, (considering this would be her first time) Karev channeled his inner Hyde and shouted, "I've not going to hold your virgin hand and walk you through it, damn it." And then he left. And like April, we cowered in the corner, scared.
10. Jackson Punches Out Karev, Karev Reveals That He Is Dealing With Some Heavy Family Issues
Where It Falls on the Pain Scale: 5. One minute Karev was saving a life with a ping pong ball, the next minute he was screaming at a virgin wearing a bra and then moments later, he was icing a black eye. Such is the arc of Karev, a complex character dealing with schizophrenic family members.