No one likes a bully. Except on the Upper East Side, where Serena, Chuck, Blair and Nate literally circled the evil Juliet, spit insults at her, and then forced her to leave college. Just another day at the office on Gossip Girl, where bullying isn't bad, but a means to an end. If it weren't for the rich, beautiful and powerful, how would the rest of us know how meaningless our lives were?
Of course, that's the joke of "Juliet Doesn't Live Here Anymore." When Juliet was spilling her heart to Nate it included statements like, "I do my own hair!" and "I live on a fifth floor walk-up!" THE HORROR! Or, well, wait: It sounds like she's like everyone watching at home, except crazy and unstable.
Anyway, the story: Juliet gets bullied in the aforementioned insult circle and teams up with Vanessa -- who is now crazy -- and Jenny to take down Serena. Why Juliet has it out for Serena, however, is still unclear. You think one of the chosen ones taunting her would have asked that simple question, but alas: There were hair jokes to be made. Elsewhere, Dan and Nate are still pining for Serena, while Blair and Chuck's hate sex turns into I-still-love-you sex. Aww, those crazy kids. As always, Gossip Girl was there to make sense of it all.
"Morning Upper East Siders, hope you had a good night's sleep...or at least a good night's play."
Typical Serena: Chuck was between Blair's legs (under the covers) and she didn't even notice anything was amiss.
Witty or Wise: Witty.
"In a city that never sleeps, it's important to always be alert, because if you blink, you might miss something. Or someone. But be careful, since the truth can be eye opening. Good morning, Upper East Siders: This is your wake up call."
The "this is your wake up call" is a bit redundant, but I'll blame shoddy editing instead of poor copy on the part of GG. For an episode that started so juicily -- everyone saw everyone else's secret trysts -- Gossip Girl really played that down in favor of the Vanessa insanity during the later acts.
Witty or Wise: Witty.
"They say a picture's worth a thousand words, but in this case, it seems like there's only three letters to adequately describe these pictures: OMG"
Quality bit of wordplay there from Gossip Girl, but the whole "Serena kissed Colin and there are pictures!" plot never had any stakes. You knew that nothing was going to come of it, despite Vanessa's best crazy efforts. Have I mentioned that Vanessa is crazy?
Witty or Wise: Witty.
"Looks like the chip on Vanessa's shoulder just went digital."
Let's discuss Vanessa. Jessica Szohr normally isn't a very strong performer on Gossip Girl, but she was never better than last night. Vanessa's desperate, screw-it-all battiness fit Szohr's acting style, and being the totally unhinged outsider opens up world's of possibilities. How long before she heads back to Haiti in a huff?
Witty or Wise: Witty.
"Put on your toe shoes Serena; it's going to be hard to dance your way out of this one."
Because they were at the ballet, see?
Witty or Wise: Witty.
"Spotted: One ugly duckling, exiled. Let's hope she doesn't turn into a Black Swan."
Last things first: Nice job from Gossip Girl to tie-in Black Swan during a ballet-themed bully circle. Also, you have to love Gossip Girl: Only in this world would someone who looks like Katie Cassidy be described as an "ugly duckling."
Witty or Wise: Witty.
"Sometimes in life, we hit a crossroads, and are forced to choose which path we want to take. And there's no way of knowing whether our journey will lead us to pleasure or pain. Once we've made our choice, there's no turning back. Watch out Upper East Side, I think this could be the beginning of an ugly friendship."
Casablanca reference! Otherwise, this was one of the most straightforward bits of wisdom ever bestowed upon the audience by Gossip Girl. Fortune cookies aren't this earnest.
Witty or Wise: Wise.
OVERALL: Gossip Girl brought her A-game to a relatively typical edition of Gossip Girl. We still don't know why everyone hates Serena -- beyond her beauty and all encompassing sex drive -- but, hey! Next week features a masquerade ball, Jenny Humphrey and likely plenty of "you're not kissing who you think you are!" hijinks. Get excited.