I could be wrong, but I believe The A-List: New York's theme song changes every week. It feels more cynical every time. I know it once ended with, "You've never met a boy like me," but I think last night it concluded on either, "You've got to buy me one more drink" or "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone." Let's face it, something is downright Mellencampian about these characters and their sun-kissed struggles with the human condition. And by "human condition," I mean "Austin's obesity." None of us are immune.
The episode kicks off with comforting senselessness: Reichen's world-famous line of pilot jewelry needs a new ad campaign. He's sick of being its only face (since fame is lonely), so he's looking to cast a "co-pilot." Disturbingly stupid, yes, but he's just begun: He's hiring Derek, Mike Ruiz, and maybe even Rodiney to judge a contest at a gay club to help pick the new star. Now, Mike Ruiz might have something smart to contribute, but as far as I can tell, Derek's critical vocabulary extends as far as "uncouth," "eww," and "I'm the prettiest girl here." The bar is set low, perhaps in the Mariana Trench.
We flash over to Ryan and TJ, who are conferencing about Austin's behavior at Fire Island last week. Ryan's in the middle of gussying up a young female model for a Platinum Seamless Hair Extensions photo shoot, so TJ figures it's a good time to talk about classiness.
"Austin hit the pool with his naked fat ass!" TJ screams. "Picture a meteor!"
Ryan rolls his eyes at Austin's déclassé behavior while combing a flammable Bratz weave. He can't imagine anything less dignified than Austin! Comb, comb. The Barbie weave barks, shuffles, and finally whinnies in agreement.
Meanwhile, because Reichen is a failed stage actor who decides he doesn't want to pay bills anymore, Rodiney feels obligated to get more work. Like a desperate patriarch during the Great Depression, he resorts to posing for sexy underwear ads. A real low point for this naked Brazilian arm candy.
The makeup artist at the shoot asks Rodiney who his boyfriend is (not staged at all, this show), and wouldn't you know it, the guy knows who Reichen is. In fact, he's a big fan of his work in such projects as The Amazing Race, Lance Bass's Life, and most of all, Obscurity. Rodiney is slightly perturbed, but because he's making money on his own now, he tells us, "I am now Rodiney, not just Reichen's boyfriend." You get the feeling that Reichen has introduced him at cocktail parties as "Reichen's boyfriend" a few times before.
Elsewhere, riled ferret Derek is sitting with Reichen, sneering that he doesn't want to talk to, deal with, or even acknowledge Austin at the Famous Pilot Model contest. Reichen thinks that's reasonable, so he decides to call up Austin in front of Derek (without telling Austin) and tell him to stop with his naked, blithe, arguably entertaining antics.
"Whatever, I'll be good," Austin promises. "Derek is ridiculous, he thinks his p***y doesn't stink."
Derek huffs quietly but audibly murmurs, "I know it doesn't stink. You can ask anyone."
Since everyone's getting their turn to be shamed on camera today, Austin steps right up and decides to meet with Phillip Bloch, who I'm pretty sure is one of VH1's I Love the '80s regulars. I guess he knows things about modeling too? We're supposed to believe he's an expert on something. So far I believe he's an expert on looking like a gay lion butler in a fun children's murder mystery.
Anyway, Austin pretends he wants a real modeling career and Phillip has lots of problems with that.
"You don't have the ambition, the drive, the talent!" he proclaims. "Now, me? I was a model. I did Galliano's first show with Veronica Webb. I've done acting. I've done TV! I've done movies. I mean, I've written two books! You're wasting time. Nobody's promised tomorrow."
I wish I'd made any of that up. With almost no impetus, Phillip "The Lion Did It!" Bloch monologued about his onetime life as someone with a life. Even Austin can't compete with that fast-paced shamelessness. And remember, Austin grabs his genitals and points at cameras.
Phillip might suck, but at least he was good for a lion laugh. Now that his leonine scowl is done lighting up MGM, we're stuck with Rodiney as he complains to Ryan about Reichen.
"My life have not have been easy," Rodiney says to him, because he is an ESL Scarlett O'Hara. "Reichen is lying to me. He is cheating on me. Now, I know I shouldn't be proud of this, but I looked in his phone. But the thing is, I'm so proud of this. He told some guy I was like 'a son' to him, not a boyfriend."
God as his witness, Rodiney will never miss another one of Reichen's texts again. Ryan agrees that they should break up, but he soon quiets down, because then what will this show be about? Derek? Please.
Ryan retreats to his photo shoot for the fire-attractant Barbie hair. His horrible model Catherine is uncomfortable being topless, because she's a model who has that kind of problem. She also has a dog named Sparkle, since she wouldn't be on this show if we didn't despise her. She requests that Ryan adorn her nipples with scotch-tape, and he obliges.
"I've seriously not touched boobs since I was a baby!" Ryan says. But he has touched himself, and he is a wall of pliable Botox, so that's good prep. Last episode we heard Ryan explain how a female-administered colonic could be arousing, and this week he's squeezing bazooms in front of our eyes. At this rate next week he'll be impregnating stewardesses. You've never met a boy like him, indeed.
Here's a good time: Derek goes on a date with 37-year-old Roberto, who is 37 years old. That's what we know about him, now and forever. They yuk it up, and Derek invites him to meet his mother aboard a glorious cruise ferry. That should go well, right? Oops, nope. Roberto stands him up. Best of all, Derek gets a last-minute text from Roberto that just says, "Sorry." This Roberto understands us.
"I'm 27 and I come with no baggage!" Derek caws to us. "Why does this happen to me?"
You do come with one small piece of carry-on called a personality disorder, Derek. You refuse to throw it in the overhead.
I don't have much time to sympathize with Derek, so let's move along to the America's Next Top Pilot Pageant. Derek and Mike Ruiz are judges, Rodiney is now not a part of the show, and Austin is relegated to a small cage in the back of the room where passersby can drop saltines and yell pirate insults at him.
"I don't think any of them are attractive," Austin tells us as bits of cracker dribble off his face. The five dudes in the pageant are photogenic enough though, so maybe Austin's not seeing clearly.
Reichen disagrees with giant fat Austin. "No. #2 is excited and young and attractive!" Derek concurs, but let's not bring up opinions of his that seem sensible. It ruins my theory that everything he says is a randomly chosen chinchilla yelp. At any rate, #2 wins. He's going be the biggest jewelry-loving pilot you've ever seen, world. Besides Reichen, I MEAN.
After the show, Austin treats Reichen to a (wait for it) trapeze lesson and tells him to break up with Rodiney. Feeling proud somehow, Reichen goes home and initiates another teary heart-to-heart with Rodiney. Their fight sounds like this:
Rodiney: "I love you is the problem!"
Reichen: "You have overbearing jealousy. You just want to have (groan) sex with me."
Rodiney: "I don't like who this is that we are!"
Reichen: "I've done everything to support you. You just want to have (groan) sex with me all the time. You just want me so much."
Rodiney: "I am feeling so tired of this. I need to move back on to Miami in!"
Reichen: "I bought you clothes."
Rodiney: "[Lamb noises.]"
Reichen: "You know I bought you clothes because I look great wearing clothes and I figured you deserved to know what clothes feel like."
Rodiney: "[Lamb noises.]"
Reichen: "Good. Bye."
And they're broken up! Until next week! Hope you've learned a lot about your relationship with yourself. I know I've gathered a whole bunch of unfortunate infomation -- like that I sort of want to see Austin and Reichen do it next week. I think it's going to happen for us. I swear on my winsomest pilot broach.