I didn't want to bring this up two weeks ago, when Mrs. Blankenship guest starred on a very special episode of Grey's Anatomy after passing away on Mad Men, but there appears to be a portal* from Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce that drops its casualties into present day Seattle Grace Mercy West. After this theory was proved true in last night's episode, "That's Me Trying" -- when Anna Draper was reincarnated as a gum-chewing, bone-sawing pathologist -- I feel that it is finally time to discuss it openly. So pop a few extra pain relievers and dive in with us to review this week's pain readings.
(*Or else both shows share a casting director, but let's go with the portal theory!)
1. Owen Punks His Residents With a "Greyhound Bus Mass Casualty Situation" Full of Dummies, Literally
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 5. At first, the phrase "mass casualty situation" sounded exciting -- sexy even. Actual large-scale trauma on an episode that is neither the season premiere or the finale? What luck! ...and then the residents raced outside Seattle Grace to discover that the casualties Owen spoke of were just dummies. And that this "drill" was just how he was going to use his $1 million trauma grant. "This is going to suck," muttered Meredith. And viewers at home agreed.
2. Anna Draper Introduces Herself as Head of Pathology, Pops in a Stick of Gum and Announces that She is Going to Cut Open Mandy Moore's Corpse
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 8. Searing pain in the right temple. Confusion. When Anna Draper passed away on Mad Men this season, Stephanie told Don that Anna's body would be donated to UCLA. Days later though, her body bag mysteriously disappeared from the morgue and someone (I can only imagine that it was Don) had Anna's body cryogenically frozen and transported to Seattle Grace, where it was revived forty-odd years later for last night's episode, "That's Me Trying." Anna Draper (real name: Melinda Page Hamilton) played a perky pathologist intent on slicing up the body of an unfortunate reverse colostomy victim -- a pretty hasty change of direction for someone who faced her own television reaper just weeks before. What is happening? And which Mad Men victim will tango with Bailey next? Don't say Roger Sterling!
3. Anna Draper Uses a Bone Saw to Slice Through Mandy Moore's Chest While Making Dinner Reservations on Her Bluetooth
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 10. Blinding migraine. Oppressive chest pain. Listen, I didn't want to talk about this either, but it happened, and it needs to be addressed. Grey's Anatomy writers turned our beloved Anna Draper, the unrealistically sympathetic widow who would benevolently gift her dead husband's name to the first strong-jawed fellow that happened to, well, ID-theft her husband, into a cold-blooded, corpse-cutting pathologist who tells off hostesses via her wireless cellular device. It happened. We need to move forward. You first.
4. A Patient's Leg Turns Purple While Meredith and Cristina Bicker About Being "Pissed" at Each Other
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 4. Numbness in the right leg. Chills. To quote Meredith again, "Crap!" There is no time for petty fighting when an elderly patient who likes telling jokes about animals walking into a bar is losing function of his circulation! This is first day stuff.
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 7. Nausea. Shallow breathing. What is happening? Even Bailey, the unwavering surgeon who has been through a mad gunman-in-the-hospital-as-my-patient-is-dying situation (not to mention a divorce) is startled.
6. "This Isn't Some Baby Shower For Some Nurse Who Couldn't Keep Her Knees Together! Torres and Arizona Deserve Better Than Off-Brand Crap" -- McSteamy, Lecturing Lexie on Why His Best Friend Deserves Premium Cupcakes
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Whole body cringe. You can guarantee that if Eric Danes is nominated for an Emmy this year, this will be the clip that is shown directly before his name is read aloud. And if he is not nominated, this moment will definitely be featured prominently in my bi-annual "Unintentionally Hilarious Grey's Clip Night."
7. Butt Implant Girl Compliments Lexie's "Great Ass," Freestyles About "Great Asses" in Front of Two Surgeons
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 4. Dull headache. Stabbing pains. These are the kinds of moments that take viewers out of Grey's Anatomy and get them thinking, "Has a patient ever, in the history of medicine, told her doctor that she wants a 'nice, juicy ass that you can grab onto' and that is why she is going forward with her posterior enhancement surgery?" Maybe this happens all the time?
8. Callie and Arizona Break Up Dramatically In the Airport
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Mild ear ringing, mainly attributed to relief. PHEW! That was a close one. Viewers thought that they were going to lose Callie to Arizona and Africa. (It is kind of confusing, but Callie's annoyingly upbeat girlfriend Arizona received a grant to work in Africa for three years.) Fortunately, the night before Callie begrudgingly followed her girlfriend around the world, McSteamy delivered a rousing speech that concluded with these time-tested words of wisdom: "You sound an awful lot like someone who is getting Double Ds just because her girlfriend likes a big rack."
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 1. Euphoria. This was at once thrilling and uncomfortable -- ultimately thrilling, though. After spending hours outside in pouring rain trying to save fictional trauma patients, April refused to let Owen tell her that her final patients were dead. With no helicopter in sight, she lifted her last dummies into a parked ambulance and hopped in the front seat. When Owen tried to say that the ambulance was out of commission, April flipped the keys in the ignition and said "Looks like we got AAA," laughed maniacally (inset) and then drove it around the parking lot and up to the E.R.