We've unfortunately hit a nadir in our Survivor puns (see title), but Survivor: Nicaragua just enjoyed its best episode yet. As the La Flor and Espada tribes merged into an agreeable cesspool, we received absolute confirmation about who's in charge of the game's fate. And sweet, perhaps-even-a-human-being Alina was the most recent castaway to suffer at their hands. Let's see where it all went wrong for her.
Alliance-Free Alina
Hi, Alina. Have you met Survivor? It seems like you've just been acquainted. Last episode she kept crowing, "Why do they want to vote me off? I've been a real player since day one!" Right, Alina, because that's what Survivor is about. It has nothing to do with making sure you, the random hillbilly to your right, and his four hot castaway friends are all voting for the same person. Jeff Probst scoffs in your general direction, and blows out your torch with an insulting wad of spit.
Last-Minute Desperation
Honestly, how lame was her last-minute plea with Fabio? Here is a complete transcription: "PLEASE. PLEASE. I NEED VOTES. I'M GOING TO LOSE IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME. I REALIZED THAT TODAY. ARGHAGH. PLZ." You're out Alina, Alina. Out.
Alina-ing Herself with NaOnka
NaOnka turned into an unscrupulous food burglar last night, and Alina was outed as her accomplice. Having a real relationship with NaOnka is one of those clear steps to disgrace. Ask any AA veteran.
Not Winning Immunity
If there was ever a chance for Alina to win immunity and stay in the game, it was last night. The idol game -- like most games this season -- was a pathetic endurance challenge where every contestant had to hold a long spear in the air with two big pointy tongs (approximately). No dice: Alina was one of the first eliminated. Jane, the most qualified contestant this year, won the event handily. Even Fabio knew Alina's fate was sealed after that defeat. And he doesn't know much, guys. Not much.
So, who's next to go? Is Marty's game finally up? What about Jane? Are Sash's bumbling machinations going to ruin him? My vote's for Marty because I think he makes every Tribal Council annoying. That's as sound a reason on Survivor as any, people.