In a nutshell, last night's edition of Gossip Girl, cheekily titled "War at the Roses" (Blair Waldorf is actually a Rose, since her mother married Cyrus Rose; Wallace Shawn, who plays Cyrus, was sadly absent), was all about Serena van der Woodsen's nether regions. As in: Serena is apparently so horny all the time that she needs friends and enemies alike to prevent her from lady raping her chosen beau -- in this case, a Columbia professor played fittingly by Joan's rape-y husband from Mad Men. (Oh, Sam Page, someday you'll get far away from that moniker.)
How does Serena act when she's in heat? As Blair says, like an amnesiac: Despite the fact that Juliet has never proven to be anything other than a life-ruiner, Serena enlists her help with Colin (that's Mr. Page). Because, of course she does. It's all muddled and ridiculous and barely makes any sense, but at least now we know how Juliet and Colin are connected. They're cousins
As for the rest of our favorite Upper East Siders: Blair and Chuck signed a peace accord (literally); Dan attempted to get them back for ruining Jenny's life (whatever); Nate acted stupid (obviously); and Chuck and Blair had the hottest round of hate sex ever seen on The CW. As usual, Gossip Girl was there to enlighten the proceedings and our lives. To the wit and wisdom!
"Rise and shine Upper East Side: It's officially fall. And when the leaves start to turn, we know it's time for B's birthday. We hope Serena will be there to celebrate, but we hear she's having her own private party with a professor."
Here's the thing: The entire episode is built around the idea that a relationship between Serena and Professor Colin is scandalous. Except in the first minute, Gossip Girl is already gossiping about it. Considering the Dean has already proven to be swayed by Gossip Girl's missives, doesn't it seem likely that she'd already be talking to Serena about this relationship? As for the tone of the voice over, it would have been a whole lot better if GG made a joke about fall being a time when Serena "falls" into bed. Nyuck, nyuck, right?
Witty or wise: Wise.
"Seems like leaves aren't the only things changing colors this fall."
This is in reference to Dan's out-of-left-field character change, which found him plotting with Eric to ruin Blair and Chuck. His reason? Because Jenny can't come to New York for her parents' first anniversary. As if Jenny would want to come or Rufus and Lily would want to have her. Oh, Dan.
Witty or wise: Witty.
"Uh-oh: Juliet's plans are falling into place and S is primed for a fall."
Another fall reference keeps things consistent. Why Serena was actually trusting Juliet, however, does not.
Witty or wise: Witty.
"Nate thought he and Humphrey were as thieves. Turns out Humphrey's a thief and Nate's just thick."
This might be my favorite bit of Gossip Girl voice over ever. So much so that I rewound it three times even though I already had the transcription.
Witty or wise: Witty.
"Looks like Brooklyn's in it to win it. Just what is 'it' exactly? Looks like we'll find out tonight."
I love that even Gossip Girl was both bemused and confused about Dan's motives. So was everyone. When he revealed himself as the mastermind at the end of the episode, the looks on Chuck's and Blair's faces were priceless in their WTFness.
Witty or wise: Witty.
"At the end of every war, the warriors come home hoping what they've seen and done won't stay with them forever. Buddha once said it's better to conquer yourself than to win 1000 battles. But other soldiers just can't give up the fight and go underground to plan the next war. But it's the true warrior who knows wars don't end, they simply change and there can never be peace as long as guns are still loaded and there's plenty of ammunition. These weapons may be deadly."
Here's a general rule: Anytime Gossip Girl starts a sentence with "Buddha once said," I'm going to be laughing. While GG was going through her lessons learned at the end of "War at the Roses," I couldn't help but think of Boardwalk Empire and how that show has treated returning troops. So, maybe some bad taste comparing Chuck and Blair pulling pranks on each other to an actual war. And Buddha.
Witty or wise: Wise.
OVERALL: As stated, a pretty ridiculous episode, which kept Gossip Girl herself on the fringes, laughing along with the audience at the absurdity of everything. Here's hoping the Juliet storyline comes to a head next week: It's officially on my nerves, much like the Chuck/Eyes Wide Shut misstep from season two.