Season two of Jersey Shore came to a close last night, leaving us with a trail of spray-tanned wishes and Red Bull-tinged dreams. An emotional hour, to be sure. But who makes the grade on this, Movieline's last Fresh-to-Death Report Card of this season? Does The Situation's frog vomit qualify him for an A+? Do JWOWW's rumor mill antics warrant an F? Join us ahead for one last FTD rundown.
A+ in Freaky Guido Howls for Pauly D: Pauly ushered in season two by howling at Angelina, and he closed season two by howling at JWOWW. I don't like that arc at all. Nonetheless Pauly's frustration with JWOWW's inaccurate rumor about shady backstabbing turned him into a screeching macaque. Fierce. Compared to The Situation, who screams like a dopey turtle, or Angelina, who was a platypus, Pauly's sophisticated.
A in Trustworthiness for Vinny: Vinny gave my loins a tape-up last night when he refuted Snooki's claim that Jenni shouldn't trust anyone in the house. The good guido Guadagnino swept in and said, "I got Jenni thinking I was talking crap about her. It hurts, because I've been very close with Jenni. And now Jenni has to hear from Snooki, 'Don't trust anyone in the house.' You know, you can trust me. Don't tell people you can't trust me." Swoon. If it weren't for that hater ho Ramona, I'd jump into his bewifebeatered arms.
A- in Plagiarism for JWOWW: The Divine Miss WOWW found herself scrubbing the refrigerator. That's not her job, guys. She declared, "I am not f*cking any of my roommates, therefore I should not be cleaning up any of their sh*t." Some words have been modified, but that's an old Eleanor Roosevelt adage. In the FTD Academy of Gorilla Ethics, we declare her plagiarism acceptable.
B+ in Snooki Cry Face for Snooki: When Snooki bawled because everyone "hated" her, her cryface resembled (what else) an emotional California Raisin. The original title of Jersey Shore was "Emotional California Raisins," so I thank her for honoring the founders' integrity.
B in Zoology for Snooki: Snooki spotted a crow looming over the household in the group's final moments. "A crow comes and it starts quacking at us," she noted. "Or not quacking. What's a crow do?" Snooki, you're the most questionable vet tech who ever lived, and you are barred from changing.
B- in Hilarious Panic for Ronnie: I say LOL to Ronnie's fear of crocodiles. During their Everglades trip, most of the housemates stayed calm when spotting a croc in the bog. Ronnie, meanwhile, leaped like Sammy Davis Jr. and climbed up for safety. You'd think he'd just heard there was coke in the sky.
C+ in Tasteful Vomiting for The Situation: I'd make Pauly pull over if I was barfing up fried frog appendages too. But the Situation should've known he was doomed because he resembles a fried frog appendage. Science knows better than to let cannibalism slide.
C in Sentimental Bull for Vinny: Who else plunged a fork into their aorta when Vinny said, "I was definitely thinking about Ramona when these hos were all over me." Vinny, news: Ramona is a disrespectful Transylvanian jackass. She showed up 45 minutes late to your nervous ass. And she was faker than a Snooki Poof at an alopecia convention when she said, "Once again, I hate this day," when you both said goodbye. You know what I'm sentimental for? "Beating up the beat." What happened to that?
C- in Life Choices for Ronnie: Happy to see that Ronnie is funny enough to make fun of Vinny's amazing technicolor tan, but he's still with that grim old beezy Sammi. The minute he proposes, he will fall into the deep D- range. The board of directors here at the FTD Academy of Fistpump, Art, and Design will not tolerate it.
D+ in Spelling for DJ Pauly D: Pauly had a syntax issue when trying to write questions for the house's rousing "Bowl of Questions" game. Let's hear it for his innocent line, "How do you spell 'likely'?" Aw. But if he'd spelled it correctly, half the house wouldn't be able to read it. So he passes.
D in Existence for Sammi: I see no reason to grade anything about Sammi other than her very presence in the global community. I'm in that community, after all. She might ruin it. Last night, Sammi pretended to dismiss her drama with JWOWW, saying, "It makes me laugh because I'm over it." 1) Sammi, you have never been over anything in your life. You will dredge up old drama at the drop of a booty. 2) JWOWW tried to warn you about Ronnie's idiocy. That was your "drama." and 3) I am sincerely over you. And it does not make me laugh.
D- in Makeout Manuevers for The Situation: Who can bear watching the Situation make out? So gross. It's like watching a stork try to put a vulture in its mouth. Hope you enjoyed Vinny's sloppy seconds, sir, and I also hope you took a sumptuous Valtrex shower after you cornered those two broads in a bathroom stall.
F in Blending in With Miami Clubgoers for the Cast of Jersey Shore: Finally, did you hear the main jam playing at the club? Hint: It featured rapping, mixing on the ones and twos, and the unmistakable tones of a certain Caucasian bandit. Nope, not MC Guido Throttle or DJ Smash Saint Smush -- it was by DJ Pauly D himself. Once you're grinding at the grind hut to the beats of your own vanity project, isn't it a little bizarre to feign surprise when chicks approach and want to GII faster than you do? Oh well. I've been on board for meta-Jersey Shore since the beginning of the second season, and I'll do the same for season three. Hopefully Deena Nicole is DTF enough for the needs of a nation.