At which point during last night's new Grey's Anatomy episode, "Almost Grown," did you uncork that bottle of extra strength Tylenol, apply a cold compress to your head and pillage your Mad Men tribute bar? Was it when a 13-year-old male with a B-cup asked Karev for a breast reduction surgery, explaining that his peers called him "Booby" at school? Was it when Callie told the Chief how she will never be the lesbian Arizona is during a pitch meeting? Or was it when Mrs. Blankenship herself (real name: Randee Heller) appeared on-screen as a crotchety old lesbian giving McDreamy the business about her partner's brain cancer surgery? See how close your pain readings were to Movieline's below.
1. The Chief Promotes All Fourth Year Residents to Attendings, and Dangles $1 Million to the Most Worthy Department That Day -- All While Wearing a Lavender Sweater Vest
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 2. Tingles. Loss of feeling in extremities. After seven seasons, viewers need the Chief to mix it up, even if he does that by branching outside of his wardrobe safe zone and imposing a challenge on his staff that turns out to be completely imaginary.
2. Mrs. Blankenship Appears As an Argumentative, Lesbian School Teacher Who Does Not Feel Comfortable Letting Anyone But McDreamy Cut Open Her Partner's Skull
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: N/A. This was a glorious surprise for Team Blankenship last night, when -- during the first five minutes of the episodes -- Shonda Rhimes gifted an epic surprise on her patient (pun!) viewers. Mrs. Blankenship (or Randee Heller) was playing a protective old crow who did not want to see any resident operating on her lover. "Let them practice on me. I'm just the old lady," Mrs. Blankenship's significantly less impressive lover pleaded. "But you're my old lady," Mrs. Blankenship admitted. Was that a phone ringing?
3. A 13-Year-Old With Breasts Disrobes For Karev, Startles Everyone at Home
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 10. Searing, white hot pain. Nothing will knock you down from a Blankenship high like seeing a squeaky boy with a Jewfro tell his overprotective mother (while topless, natch), "Mom, you said this was my decision. You said that after my Bar Mitzvah, I'd be a man and I could decide." Not quite on par with the Treeman, but still disturbing.
4. Teddy Calls McDreamy a "Charismatic Cult Leader" During Her Meeting with the Chief
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Headache. Annoyance. What is it about Seattle Grace staffers not being able to execute a five-minute pitch to the Chief without going incredibly off-topic. In Teddy's case, she transitioned from presentation to full-fledged anti-McDreamy campaign. "Shepherd he is like a charismatic cult leader," she started. "He's very appealing and he's got a bunch of people hiding in his shadow. Don't get me wrong. He is a great surgeon and he can pull off a flashy procedure but is he really cultivating talent?" I don't know, Teddy, and I don't really care. Where is Mrs. Blankenship?
5. 13-Year-Old Dude With Breasts Confiding in Karev, "They Call Me Booby at School"
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Nausea. Chest pain. "They call me booby at school. Man boobs. Double D," Teen with Breasts pleaded, trying to convince Karev to convince his unwavering mother that breast reduction was necessary. "Some kid keeps hanging a bra in my locker!" Of course they are! Enough with the exposition. Let Blankenship give this kid the tough love he deserves.
6. Arizona Ranting About How She No Longer Cries During Her Meeting With the Chief
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Headache. Annoyance. See above, number 4.
7. Karev Convinces His Patient's Mother to Sign Off on Surgery By Arguing "Your Son's a Dude With Breasts
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 4. Fatigue. Loss of appetite. Seriously, Karev. You're going to earn your stripes on the one day that you are giving attending scrubs by breaking all codes of professionalism and screaming that at a patient's mother? And then continuing on a boy-breast reduction surgery tirade? "Look, if he had weight to lose I would suggest diet and exercise," Karev said, gesturing wildly. "But your kid doesn't have weight a weight problem! He has breasts! He needs excision of the glandular tissue! And yeah, it could wait until he is older but he's a dude with breasts and he's headed to high school. [...] Look, you want your kid to be a man. Let him make his own decisions."
8. Callie Ranting About How She is a Lesser Lesbian Than Arizona During Her Meeting with the Chief
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Headache. Annoyance. Another case of the unfunny digression. "She's a much better lesbian," Callie said. " I mean, I was sort of a late bloomer in that area. But she's got this whole circle of lesbian friends, you know. Like this subculture. And I'm always just a little bit left out. Just a little bit talked down to just because I have a long history of enjoying sex with men which I don't think I have to apologize for." For further explanation, see number 4 above.
9. Post Breast Reduction Surgery, Karev's Patient Says "Thanks, You're the Man." Karev Responds, "No, You're the Man."
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 10. Unbearable pain. The most agonizing closing note to an episode yet this season.
Until next week, try not to re-watch the episode with any sharp objects nearby.