Honestly, can someone explain to me why Total Recall is being remade? It's not as if there's anything wrong with the first one -- plus, more importantly, I have never once heard someone say, "You know, this world needs a reboot of Total Recall. Someone really needs to get to the bottom of that ambiguous ending." Regardless, since it does appear that every movie ever produced is being rebooted in one way or another, as suggested by loyal Movieline commenter HwoodHills, here are the only five movies any of us can think of that are not currently being remade.
1. D.C. Cab
Here's the most surprising thing about Joel Schumacher's D.C. Cab (other than the fact that it was directed by Joel Schumacher): This film was released in 1983 and it stars Adam Baldwin, who is now on Chuck. I am now 100 percent convinced that Adam Baldwin does not age. Of course, you couldn't tell from the movie poster that Baldwin is the main character since it only depicts Mr. T tearing off the door of a cab. A wise marketing strategy at the time considering that T had been starring on The A-Team for about a year when D.C. Cab was released. Not a wise marketing strategy to depict Mr. T on the poster of a movie that's rated R? Think of it this way: Very few of those 8-year-old A-Team fans ever got a chance to see Mr. T cuss.
2. Midnight Madness
This one actually should be remade! A staple of early 1980s HBO, the film was about five teams of college kids that play in a scavenger hunt called The Great All-Nighter. Sure, the original had a kitschy quality to it -- not to mention early glimpses of Michael J. Fox, Paul Reubens and future Hitch director Andy Tennant -- but considering all of the other dreck that's being remade, why not remake something that's fun? Hell, have Tennant direct it!
Ah, yes, the second film in the Schwarzenegger-DeVito comedy team's filmography. As of now, there are no plans for a Junior reboot, but we all know it's coming. This has Vin Diesel and Wee Man from Jackass written all over it.
4. Speed 2: Cruise Control
I always wondered what the original film's Jack Traven (played by Keanu Reeves) was doing while the events of Speed 2: Cruise Control were transpiring. Was he having his own parallel velocity-themed crises? Was he on vacation? Was he having an uneventful day on the job -- maybe a couple false alarms and some paperwork? And I always wondered what he thought of Annie immediately dating Alex Shaw, another LAPD SWAT team member. I mean, it's kind of sad if you think about it. Would Traven have cared about her new predicament? Fortunately, there is no reboot or third installment planned that would have had to have been called, Speed 3: Rack and Pinion Steering.
5. 40 Days and 40 Nights
Thankfully the era of masturbation-themed Josh Hartnett movies came to an end quickly. Unfortunately, these things always seem to be cyclical. Here's what's going to happen: Someone will try to do a cross reboot between this and Junior. You see, the man fails to keep his 40 day pledge and, as his punishment, he's the one who gets pregnant (on a speeding bus).
What did I overlook?