The Dunphys deep-sixed their electronics, Gloria and Jay dealt with a pesky dog, and Cam and Mitchell tried to enroll Lily in "the Harvard of preschools" -- but who won? We pick Modern Family's "Family Member of the Week" after the jump.
Modern Family Member of the Week: Gloria
Like clockwork, Gloria's having a turn at the top of the leaderboard. I'd be thrilled except 1) I've seen Gloria be funnier, and 2) This episode is undoubtedly season two's worst. Cameron's closing snafu underwhelmed, the Dunphys' quest to "unplug" their electronics turned up little in the way of ingenuity, and Jay and Gloria came to a puzzling conclusion at episode's end. And the families barely interacted! Never ideal.
Nonetheless, Gloria's rancor when dealing with a neighbor's loud dog provided critical moments of spunk: "You have the old people hearing," she barks at Jay when he tells her to ignore the mutt. "Manny and I, we have the young ears!" And after she lurks in the garage like a Vincent Price character and discovers Manny and Jay inspecting a shovel for the dog's remains, Gloria admits she simply stole the dog and traded it for pickles with her hairdresser's brother. She reasons, "Now the dog is happy, Manny is safe, and we have pickles." Who is this dognapper, Debi Mazar in Beethoven's 2nd? Next we'll hear that a humorless Charles Grodin is fast on her trail. Ah, forget the nonsense illegality of Gloria's actions: As long as Sofia Vergara mutters "peeekles" once an episode, she'll reclaim this throne week after week.
2nd Place: Cameron: What's the proper response when you learn that the moms in your neighborhood have signed up their kids for preschool behind your back? Cameron has a clue: "Those skinny bitches."
3rd Place: Jay: I love that Jay can be legitimately afraid of Gloria at times. And I adored when he recounted the time that Gloria decapitated a rat and left it out "as a warning to the other rats."
4th Place: Claire: The Dunphys are at their best during tender moments -- because that's when Claire's brute sass emerges most. During a hug with Phil, my girl Claire (who is probably my favorite character on the show, and certainly the most realistic) said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you."
5th Place: Phil: He makes the countdown for his nonchalant approval of Luke's inventive way of consuming Corn Pops and playing a handheld video game simultaneously. Phil absently notes, "That's awesome."
Not ranked: Mitchell (it burns!), the Dunphy kids, Manny, villainous puppy thievery, Beethoven's 2nd starring the incomparable Debi Mazar.