Halfway between its blockbuster opening and imminent Oscar showcase, Inception remains squarely in the zeitgeist -- that all-too-rare original idea still being milked to death by fans (e.g. Spike TV's Scream Awards) and detractors (South Park) alike. But here's an idea: What if we could use Inception for actual good in Hollywood? In other words: What if a brave group of dream warriors could enter the subconscious of Hollywood power players to, let's say, incept a few fresh concepts here and there -- for the better?
With this in mind -- and because it beats talking about Saw 3-D for the next week -- let's play a little game of "What idea would you incept into whom?" For example:
Target: George Lucas
Idea Incepted: Han shot first, dammit
With the arrival of the Star Wars saga on Blu-ray next year, this is a perfect time to incept an idea into George Lucas's head to end this "Han shot first" kerfuffle once and for all. Not only will Han Solo shoot first in the Blu-ray editions, but, before poor Greedo can even sit down, Han will reach across the table, rip off Greedo's green head, then use the rest of his decaying Rodian carcass to smuggle spices. While he's at it, just for sport, Han shoots three members of the Cantina Band before cavalierly flipping a coin at the bartender and saying, "Sorry about the mess."
Target: James Cameron
Idea Incepted: Make a 2-D movie
The only person who can stop the madness of the third dimension is the man who started it: James Cameron. Look, we are all for an occasional 3-D treat like Tron: Legacy, but not every movie needs the added dimension of depth -- unless you mean character depth, because there's a dimension that usually is missing. In the next two years, we'll have Titanic and Star Wars in 3-D. If unimpeded, we're only months away from a re-release of Who's That Girl in 3-D. Enough, already.
Target: James Cameron again
Idea Incepted: You know what, forget it, just make any movie
The man behind Terminator and True Lies took 13 years after Titanic to release Avatar. Cameron swears that he's not going to take such an extended break for his next feature film, but we've all heard that before. No one is suggesting actual harm come to the once and future King of the World, but perhaps we could incept a false premonition into Cameron's subconscious that his time on Earth is short -- thus prompting the sense of urgency that he needs to crank out four or five films over the next 10 years. All of Hollywood (and its bottom line) will be better for it.
Target: Paul Thomas Anderson
Idea Incepted: Your Middle Name is "William Scott"
It's been three years since P.T. Anderson's last film, There Will Be Blood. Now that The Master is indefinitely delayed, there's nothing on the horizon for the director of Magnolia. Conversely, since 2007, sci-fi schlockster Paul W.S. Anderson has directed three movies, produced seven and written four. Now, if P.T. Anderson could be convinced that his schedule was that of Paul W.S. Anderson's... Well, who wouldn't be a lot more excited about Castlevania if it was directed by the guy who brought us Boogie Nights?
Target: Robert Downey Jr.
Idea Incepted: Quit Iron Man
I may be overreacting with this one; after all, Downey was born to play Tony Stark. But that's why, in an age of unnecessary sequels, his departure from the role could actually send a Jerry Maguire-mission-statement-style message: We are a society becoming more and more dependent on franchises, and Hollywood just might have to think of an original idea instead. Again, admittedly, I may be overreacting.
Target: James Franco
Idea Incepted: Reproduce
James Franco represents everything that Hollywood should be: Daring yet ambivalent toward the norm. After spending 20 minutes in a room alone with Franco this week at the 127 Hours junket, I'm absolutely convinced he's the real deal: An actor good enough to be mentioned as a possible Oscar nominee and, in the same breath, wondering where the arc of his General Hospital character is going. More of this, please. Put it this way: Could you imagine Shia LaBeouf doing a 20-episode run on Days of Our Lives?
Target: Nicolas Cage
Idea Incepted: Nicolas Cage is an Oscar winner
Granted, this idea is actually true. Though, at some point some sort of evil force completely erased this fact from the actor's memory. How else does one explain Con Air, Snake Eyes, 8MM and Captain Corelli's Mandolin? Only once in the last 15 years has Cage even sniffed a nomination (for 2002's Adaptation). We need to put this knowledge back where it belongs before it's too late. (And after seeing the trailer for Drive Angry 3-D, yeah, it probably is too late.)
Target: Justin Timberlake
Idea Incepted: Stay Far, Far Away from Pic-a-nic Baskets
Timberlake was great in The Social Network and he's always a highlight of the season when he hosts Saturday Night Live. Though, apparently, the idea does need to be planted into his head that when an offer is received to star opposite Dan Aykroyd in a half CGI/half live-action version of Yogi Bear -- directed by the guy who brought us Journey to the Center of the Earth -- you say, "no."
Target: Joaquin Phoenix
Idea Incepted: Change Your Name Back to Leaf
Yes, I'm Still Here was a big hoax and, not surprisingly, a big box-office bomb. Audiences grew tired of Phoenix's performance art shtick long before the "documentary" was released. How does he gain the trust of moviegoers once again? Go through a real identity change. Remember Phoenix in Spacecamp, Russkies, Parenthood and even an episode of The Fall Guy? Joaquin went by Leaf Phoenix back then and we all have fond memories of that guy. It's time to become that guy, again.