Can we all agree that we don't want to do the Time Warp again, at least with a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Look, there's no doubt about it: The first version is absolutely terrible -- if you've ever tried to actually watch this movie alone on your couch, it's impossible. But that's exactly what makes it a cult classic to the legions of fans who gather in droves to watch at midnight movies and screening parties. How do you reproduce that? And what's the point? I'm all for a good musical remake, but there are plenty of other candidates that seem more appropriate than Rocky Horror. For example...
(...and feel free to share your own in the comments)
· Grease 2
I'm aware Grease 2 has its fans, but it was made way too soon after the original to only have a few of the original cast members return. (Hey, at least we got Eddie Deezen!) Now here's a perfect opportunity to make a real Grease 2 with John Travolta (who, considering Hairspray, has no problem back in musicals) and Olivia Newton-John attending their Rydell High 30 year reunion. The best part: It would take place in 1989. The two formers lovers could dance to Fine Young Cannibals and make Look Who's Talking references.
· The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton starred in the original version, which, in 1982, couldn't even use its actual title in parts of the country due to obscenity laws. Now we have a network television show with the word "sh*t" in the title. I'm thinking Ryan Reynolds (can he sing?), Nicole Kidman, Kevin Smith for the Dom DeLuise role and Jason Lee for the Jim Nabors part. (Audiences would sadly have to wait two long years before we would ever see Burt Reynolds, DeLuise and Nabors in another movie again -- 1984's The Cannonball Run II.) Where's the Glee episode celebrating this one?
· Victor/Victoria
A musical about sexual identities that is still relevant today. Julie Andrews played a female impersonator who happened to be... a female. Switch the roles around here, making it a man pretending to be a man. James Franco would kill this. Also, for sure, bring back James Garner in some capacity.
· Mamma Mia!
A lot of people absolutely love this movie. And sure: Though the film is so terribly miscast, Meryl Streep and company do look like they are absolutely giving it their all. Even so, as soon as Pierce Brosnan starts singing "S.O.S.", I lose interest. Maybe even shoot a film with less-bankable stars from the Broadway production to get a more technically sound version (this doesn't always work, either; see below) that the music of ABBA deserves. Also, the travesty of not casting Chris Klein can finally be reversed.
· Rent
I hate this movie, but I absolutely wanted to love it. (All right: The "Seasons of Love" opening is pretty great). The casting rationale were absurd: "Let's go with the original cast, many pushing 40, unless they look like they're pushing 40 -- then we will recast." Just do all or nothing! Plus, the film version shouldn't have to reproduce the stage version in every aspect; ultimately, Rent is a period piece about AIDS and living in a pregentrified East Village. Furthermore, characters' singing even the most mundane of lyrics was unnecessary; use more dialogue this time to set up the musical numbers. Also, cast Neil Patrick Harris as Mark Cohen (and forget what I said, for a second, about actors in their late 30s).