Dancing with the Stars Door Prizes: Charlie's Fallen Angels

Forget TV theme songs; there was another theme prevalent on this week's Dancing with the Stars -- Lies. The judges pretend to dish honesty, but they always settle for diplomatic, cutesy critiques that have nothing to do with the truth. Here are three routines (starring Audrina Patridge, Kyle Massey, and the night's high scorer Brandy) where we're awarding door prizes based on Carrie Ann Inaba's "diplomatic" critiques, Len Goodman's disgust, and Bruno Tonioli's undying horniness.

Carrie Ann Inaba's "Diplomacy Award" goes to Audrina Patridge:

Style: Rumba

Score: 23

Carrie's "Diplomacy": "Audrina! You really have a lot of talent out there! Yes! The bottom half of your body is alive and agile and your toes extend and your knees sparkle and your ankles jitter like Spencer Pratt on an especially nervous day. Fantastic there. But the top half of your body? Ahehehe. Your movement was...inanimate at best. Your shoulders looked as lost and listless as Lo Bosworth at the Governor's Ball. Nice try, Audrina, but your best is still unwritten."

Len Goodman's "Victorian Disgrace" Award goes to Kyle Massey

Style: Foxtrot

Score: 20

Len Goodman's Victorian Disgrace: "Kyle, that was terrible! T-t-terrible! If I put on an afro and thrust about like an old pervert just as you have, I'd have been beaten with badminton racquets at Cambridge. Badminton racquets! They'd have buried me upside down and weeping under the fencing lounge! They'd have dragged me through the fertilized lawn of the judo range! Or the squash emporium! The curling house! The CHECKERS STADIUM. You, sir, are a Victorian disgrace."

Bruno Tonioli's Sexy-Sexy-SEX! Award Goes to Brandy

Style: Quickstep

Score: 27

Bruno's Unhinged Horniness: "BRRRAAAAANNDY! The boy is yours, m'lady! You jiggled about with such intensity that I thought I was going to fall out my chair and gyrate on the floor like a frisky trout. A frisky trout who needs SEX, my dear! Sex! When Maks handed you that lollipop, I had to restrain myself from howling a traditional Tonioli sex wail. The entire room was almost deafened. OW, OW."