Richard Branson and McG Join Forces To Make Horrible Movie

Billionaire weed enthusiast Richard Branson has jumped into the world of film production with his new company Virgin Produced. But in its efforts to purchase its first spec script, this new company has produced the most frighteningly threatening sentence I've seen in some time. Read on to let the pure horror wash over you.

Quoth our sister site Deadline, Virgin Produced is "negotiating to acquire Columbus, a script by T.S. Nowlin that has McG attached to direct a 300-style film about Christopher Columbus and his discovery of America."

Once again, that's "McG is attached to direct a 300-style film about Christopher Columbus and his discovery of America."

Gentle reader, can you imagine anything that cuts you to the quick, that inspires more abject terror in you than the idea of McG doing a 300-style movie about Christopher Columbus??

Jesus wept, ladies and gentlemen. What does that sentence even mean? How can Christopher Columbus be doing anything in the style of 300? HE'S ON A BOAT. Did McG quickly thumb through a fourth-grader's world history book, slam it shut and exclaim, "It's good, but it needs more slo-mo sword fights with seven-foot tall gay crab monsters!"

I hope it gets made. I hope it costs $400 million dollars and the whole livelihood of several studios is on the line based on its success. And then I hope it fails as nothing before has failed. I hope it turns into a resounding bomb whose notoriety stretches to the outer reaches of own galaxy and indeed the edges of the collective human consciousness. Because it would have all began with the sentence "McG is attached to direct a 300-style film about Christopher Columbus and his discovery of America." And that should have been warning enough.

· Space Pioneer Richard Branson Discovers McG-Directed 'Columbus' For First Spec Buy [Deadline]