Immediately after the last elimination, Heidi surprises the remaining five designers and tells them to enjoy themselves, sit in a hotel room together and chat over champagne. What a dream vacation this is. Oh, Gretchen! Pass the bubbly and share more of your non-jokes about being better than us! Michael C., hit us with some self-victimization! Let's have a toast! Clank! Oh, Mondo, I can hardly hear your self-satisfied whines over all of this fun. Let's get naked.
The good times end fast. Soon the designers are assembled on an NYC rooftop and staring off at Tim and his unidentified friend for the next prompt.
"Designers, I'm pleased to welcome Mayor Bloomberg!" Tim cries.
Oh, that's who that is, the other designers think. He was at the Macy's Parade underneath the Spongebob float behind Tinsley Mortimer, I think.
Bloomberg unleashes the challenge: Design something inspired by New York. Right, because we haven't seen that challenge in seasons one, two, five, and probably most others. Oh well. Mondo, Gretchen, Michael C., Andy, April, and Gretchen end up in different corners of the city, snapping pictures of famous landmarks for the challenge. Gretchen ventures to the Lower East Side where people understand her, Michael C. is the least original human being on the planet and picks the Statue of Liberty, April and Mondo choose the Brooklyn bridge, and Andy loves "the lines" in Central Park, so he tries there. I hope Andy knows there are lines around him at all times. His dream of a line-filled world is a reality and he should know it.
But enough of this tired exercise in "inspiration." Let's get deep and parse Gretchen's selfless, intellectual musings.
"Michael C. reminds me of what I was like five years ago," she says. "I replicated a lot of the things that I liked because it was the only way I could learn."
Ordinarily I might applaud such an observation, but the way Gretchen phrases it, you know she's thinking, "I haven't said anything 'mean' here. I stayed diplomatic. I'm still a good person." You might've noticed the phrase, "I'm still a good person" sums up much of Gretchen's stank entitlement. It's on her family's coat of arms. Her ancestors fought for that condescension and she keeps it in a locket over her heart.
But wait, here's more Gretchen wisdom (Grisdom):
"Andy likes to stay on this side of slutty [with his designs]," she says, now motioning at the skimpy black number he's created. "She looks like someone you'd pay big bucks to spank you."
Oh, ahehehehahaha, Gretchen, you're right. He makes prostitute clothes. And you make clothes for urbane, library-loving women who wear fancy long boots. I see what you're getting at here: You think you're better than Andy. Right. Ahem: Very good guess, but no. Andy's clothes are exciting, and yours are tan. There's really not much to say about it.
Eventually (after an interminable sequence of Garnier Fructis product placement) the final designs hit the runway to the delight of quail-coiffed guest judge Cristian Siriano, who proves himself an astute commentator straight away. Let's break down the five designs and decide (more importantly) who said the funniest things about each of them.
Mondo's dress: A short, nicely fit collage of black, white, and gray prints. A Mondo dress.
Winning Comment: Michael Kors: "It's full of joy and full of Mondo."
Joy was dripping through the seams and shooting out the sleeves like little ferrets. Thank God Mondo was there to tame the joy and give it a nice wood-chip-filled home.
Gretchen's look: A basic leather jacket over a basic cream top and a brick red bordello skirt.
Winning Comment: Michael Kors: "I think it doesn't look uptown or downtown. It looks midtown. And secretarial."
Midtown! Ouch! Take your dumb skirt and go to a chain bookstore or something, Gretchen.
Andy's look: Skin-tight leathery number with sleek black embellishments. Harsh Robert Palmer girl styling.
Winning Comment: Michael Kors: "Is this Blade Runner? A Robert Palmer girl? I don't see Central Park at all."
OK, I thought of the Robert Palmer reference first. And I can't help that Michael Kors says all the funniest lines.
April's look: A black, fitted top with unusual cutouts and a full, diaphanous skirt with navy undertones.
Winning Comment: Cristian Siriano: "Interesting. She looks like you. There could be something further, a story here -- something that could be interesting in a collection."
April's look may have reiterated tricks she used on past designs, but it was mostly a fashionable ensemble that proved she knew herself as a designer. Lo and behold, Nina Garcia suddenly believed she had no range at all. Plus, she's not as dynamic a personality as Gretchen, so she should probably go to Loser Villa with Michael Drummond and Christopher, right?
Michael C.'s dress: A basic black gown with no back and a high slit
Winning Comment: Michael Kors: "You wanted a showstopper and you got a showstopper."
Oh, unintentional humor! It ranks among my favorite kinds. Because this comment is unintentionally uproarious. The dress was fine, but it was certainly no showstopper as anybody can plainly see. The judges were eager to place Michael C. in the final four, and because of it they oversold his design. Your bullsh*t is showing, Kors.
You see where this is going, right? Michael Costello essentially "won" the challenge and he's moving onto Fashion Week. Andy and Mondo performed serviceably this week, so they advance too. Now for the fourth spot, we're down to Gretchen and April. Let's see. Who's heinous and incendiary enough to make a good finale participant? I do believe that's Gretchen! So long, April. We miss your happening 21-year-old flair already.
Now, for one last moment of Grisdom, here's what Gretchen said to the remaining designers when she was declared "in": "I'm just glad they gave me the same second chances you guys all got." HA! Almost unfathomably elitist. I didn't not know she had it in her.
The last four designers will compete for three spots at Lincoln Center Fashion Week next episode. Who will survive? Who won't? Judging by the evenness of his disposition and general likability, I think we can expect Andy to earn the auf. You heard it here first -- the grisliest Grisdom of all.