Jesus H. Christ. Rather, "Grilled Cheesus" H. Christ. Who would have thought that a show with such a cheery name could bring so much pain? Before Movieline goes off on a tangent about how Ryan Murphy should change the title of his series to "Sadness," let's relive the somber highs and soul-searching lows of last night's Glee episode "The One That Will Probably Win Chris Colfer an Emmy," which also guest-starred Mike O'Malley and, in his show choir TV debut, God.
To recap, Ryan Murphy followed up last week's "Britney/Brittany" (in which John Stamos helped various New Directions members to hits of Britney Spears-laced nitrous) with "Grilled Cheesus," an episode in which Kurt questions God after his father suffers a heart attack. Well, Kurt never really believed in God and organized religion because "they don't think much of gay people. Or women. Or science."
It was a good point by Ryan Murphy, delivered clearly and confidently through his mouthpiece Kurt, but it was a shame that none of the other New Directions members could summon a coherent argument for God and organized religion. The rest of the Glee gang gawked, looked uncomfortably from side to side and then volunteered their own blanket encouragements of faith. But really, everyone aside from Kurt and Sue (who also delivered a heartfelt speech about how and when she lost faith in God) could have just been wearing ski masks this week because it did not matter who was piping up to say "God helped me through some difficult times this year" or "Jesus is my number one Heeb." The pro-God argument was one lackluster chorus.
To put it another way: This week's Glee episode was a profound, award-worthy downer for Kurt and Sue Sylvester, but a plain downer for every other character. (Next week: Mr. Schuester is The Invisible White-Rapping Man!)
Now onto the highs and lows...
HIGH NOTES
· Puck: "I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists" before ripping into Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young."
· Inventive way to prove Finn's idiocy: Having him pray to a grilled cheese.
· Kurt's flashback-fueled tribute to his father, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
· Mercedes' worthy Aretha Franklin tribute, "Bridge over Troubled Water"
· Brittany: "I made [Kurt] a card saying 'heart attacks are just from loving too much.'"
LOW NOTES
· Mercedes convincing Kurt to come to her church only after telling him that he can wear a "fabulous hat"
· Kurt's sudden bitterness towards every single one of his peers
· The Glee club's sudden, suffocating campaign to heal someone through prayer, not just song.
GLEESARY
Burt Hummel's Breakfast of Champions (n.) - A Coke and two Slim Jims
Auto-Schue (n.) - A Movieline-coined term to describe Will Schuester's part in episodes whose plot does not concern him in the least.
Example: Did you see the way Auto-Schue calmly moderated arguments in the classroom last night, like he was incapable of white-rapping about conflict resolution?
POP QUIZ
1. Before the grilled cheesus in last night's episode, who did Finn pray to?
a) Eric Clapton
b) Ricky Martin
c) David Hasselhoff
d) Chad Ochocinco
2. Kurt skipped dinner with his father last Friday because he was camping out all night to get _____.
a) Robert Pattinson's autograph at Hot Topic
b) Suzanne Somers workout DVDs
c) Grey's Anatomy Season Six DVDs
d) A signed James Franco in drag poster
3. Whenever Brittany prays, she...
a) Loses weight
b) Falls asleep
c) Craves pancakes
d) Gets the hiccups
4. What were Burt Hummel's last words before having a heart attack?
a) "Wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six?"
b) "You're going to regret this decision, Kurt."
c) "I'm really disappointed in you, Kurt."
d) "Don't buy salami from the gas station."
5. Which of the following did Finn not ask for from his grilled cheesus?
a) The chance to feel up Rachel
b) A McKinley football win
c) To make quarterback again
d) Mr. Hummel's recovery
6. When Mercedes does not know what to say to Kurt, she decides to show her emotion through ____.
a) song
b) dance
c) diet
d) all of the above
7. Sue Sylvester would not wish a heart attack on the father of her worst enemy, who happens to be ______.
a) The Queen of England
b) Dick Cheney
c) Mary Lou Retton
d) Shakira
8. For the first time since the first half of season one, Emma Pillsbury received more screen time than every one of these characters except _______.
a) Kurt
b) Artie
c) Brittany
d) Santana
Answers: 1) a and d; 2) c; 3) b; 4) d; 5) d; 6) a; 7) c; 8) d