Up was down and right was wrong last night on Jersey Shore: Ronnie was intentionally hilarious, Snooki was sort of out of line and Sammi wasn't unbearable. But Jersey Shore restored order when Angelina, our long-standing national nightmare, left the house for good. She's gone. She's not coming back. Until Jersey Shore/Road Rules Challenges are established, she's a nonentity to me. But that doesn't mean she gets to skip the judgment of this week's Fresh-to-Death Report Card. Ready for some grades 'n grenades?
A+ in Confessional Comedy for Ronnie: A quick rundown of Ronnie's confessionals this episode proves he's not always a coke-powered version of Donkey Kong. "Mike's sitting still and Mike has ADD, so I'm worried at this point," he noted. Slight lol. Next: "[Angelina] left the first week in Jersey and now the final week in Miami -- may as well keep some sort of balance." Wit! And of course, during the fight between Snooki and Angelina, he said: "In this corner, 4'9", two inches with the poof, Snooki. In this corner, at 322 pounds, the Staten Island Dump." OK, dammit. You're Oscar Buck-Wilde. I accept. Get your diploma and your honors certificate in guido communications.
A in Angelina Brawl Etiquette for Snooki: I'm not saying Snooki's fight with "Pancake Ass" (copyright JWOWW) went fabulously -- we'll get to that in a second -- but I am saying Snooki removed her four-kilo earrings before tangling. That's at least considerate. Even Angelina shouldn't lose a fight because copper trinkets from Claire's are lacerating her face.
A- in Resembling This Turkey from A Muppet Family Christmas for Vinny: Observe.
Behold, his sole feat this episode.
B+ in "T-Shirt Time" for DJ Pauly D: Holidays such as "T-Shirt Time" only occur once every moon on Jersey Shore, and thus DJ Pauly prefers to commemorate the occasion with some light singing around the abode. He didn't floor me with Ethel Merman grandeur this time, but he achieved Bernadette Peters fancifulness. Yeah, fancifulness. Pauly "Fancifulness" D, as the opening credits always say.
B in Redeeming Canada for The Situation: The Situation smashed with a Canadian hottie whose moans reached heights only comprehensible to CN Tower architects. She was fine. But really, Sitch? Canada? Come on. They know what they did.
B- in Indoor Street Fighting for Snooki: Weren't you expecting much more from Snooki's brawl tactics? When she leapt at Angelina, fell to the floor, and ostensibly lost the battle in three seconds, it just looked like a fuzzy slipper holocaust. I appreciate the effort though.
C+ in Angelina Defense for JWOWW: JWOWW admitted in a confessional that Angelina deserved her place in the house, saying she'd survived enough drama to beat that family in August: Osage County (OK, I added that part). Still, JWOWW, the flaw in your argument is that... it's Angelina. Even if she were innocent in her fights with the Situation and Snooki, she'd still be the Staten Island Stankwich, or whatever.
C in Understanding "Blasphemy" for The Situation: After calling out Angelina for being a Situation situhater, Le Sitch went on to say her feelings connoted "blasphemy." Not quite, Sorrentino, but good enough.
C- in Existence for Sammi: We didn't have to hear much from Sammi "Single" or "Sweetheart" or "Somber Expression" or "So in Love with Donkey Kong" or whatever this episode. I approve. She may graduate.
D+ in Shirt-Before-the-Shirt Wisecracking for Vinny: Vinny started on some monologue about how his V-neck was so fresh it defied the order of the "shirt before the shirt" ritual. What? Don't sell me Situation-brand ideas of freshness, Vinny. Please lock yourself in the confessional booth and spew adroit observations about others' silliness. That's what you're here for. That's what I'm here to love. That and your calligraphic eyebrows.
D in Triumphant Exit One-Liners for Angelina: There is a strange common thread among people who call rooms full of people "fake" -- they are dumb. I have to give the girl props for trying to end her Jersey Shore career with a Shakespearean proclamation, but I also have to give her a muzzle for being Angelina. So long.
D- in Logic for The Situation: I abhor Angelina. I just said it in that last paragraph. But the fact that the Situation (and Snooki, in fact) relentlessly called her a ho is pretty awful. Call her annoying, call her incendiary, call her drama-stirring, but the girl is single. She's allowed to get with D-grade juiceheads. And still, she's probably only been with probably half the people Sitch has. And so ends my Angelina defense for this lifetime.
F in Relevance for the Gelato Shop: Every time the gelato shop appears, my Pavlovian response is to wonder what happened to this show. From what I can tell, the gelato shop has been a successful forum for Sammi to wear a visor. That is all. Guys, I wouldn't mind if it were burnt down in a terrible situation. How can we arrange this? Let's dress up the gelato shop as an electric grill and make Pauly try to cook on it. That's how I understand fires occur.