There is no way to cram six Britney Spears songs into an episode of Glee organically. Or so viewers learned last night when Ryan Murphy materialized in millions of U.S. homes viewers (at once, like Santa Claus), slipped them a gnarled episode that he engineered himself and fled into the night so that his audience could experience a mediocre high with hallucinations of Uncle Jesse from Full House. "Britney/Brittany" was traumatic and disappointing and no doubt left you itching for a hit of Glee, the way Murphy used to make it. Rather than hitting the streets in desperation, review the highs and lows with Movieline below. As always, there will be a pop quiz at the end -- so pay attention!
Glee is supposed to be a show that celebrates each person's differences. It allegedly teaches high school kids that they don't have to be thin or straight or smart to be appreciated. Yet in last night's episode, several of the New Directions only realized this lesson after subjecting themselves to a scary nitrous-Britney speed ball.
Somehow, fantasizing about Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time" video taught Rachel that she should not be afraid to dress up. In her own words, "I never dressed like a pretty girl because I never really felt like one before. Now I realize that it's OK to feel like one every now and then."
And to show that she felt pretty, she put on a pleated skirt, hiked up her button-down and divided her hair into pigtails to fulfill every popular male's fantasy. After learning this valuable gem at the hands of one of the most troubled pop stars of her generation, Rachel told Finn to choose between her and football, because she was too insecure to deal with a boyfriend who had multiple passions.
Meanwhile, Kurt was punished for speaking his mind. Mr. Schuester, the white-rapping preacher of schmaltzy empowerment lessons, traded in his car to buy a yellow Corvette to impress Emma. Further proving that he -- and Glee writers, just this week, I hope -- lost it, he danced suggestively during a performance of "Toxic" at a homecoming pep rally with a bowling hat. Female students drooled and shouted "I want to be your Britney" at him. It was embarrassing for all, especially Schue.
Anyway, it happened. Glee went off the rails, a disaster that Sue Sylvester poignantly touched on at the end, declaring Schue's pep rally spectacle a "Britney Spears sex riot." And it was, of the worst possible kind. But Heather Morris looked great in it, so there was that. Now for the other highs and lows...
HIGH NOTES
· Santana telling Rachel, "Congratulations. Normally you dress like the fantasy of a Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish."
· Sue, in a neck brace, telling Schue this cautionary sex riot story: "That's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard B. Daly became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphone of all three major networks."
· John Stamos, who was easily the most charming player in last night's episode
LOW NOTES
· The Britney formula: Nitrous + Britney < Valuable Self Lessons
· Schue agreeing to let Dr. Stamos lecture his class because "Kid's can't sing without teeth right?"
· Sue Sylvester describing in vivid detail Jacob Ben Israel's "butt sweat stain:" "It's like an ink blot test."
· Kurt straight-up selling Britney to viewers: "This group regularly pays tribute to pop culture and Britney Spears is pop culture."
· Later, Sue Sylvester straight-up plugging the title artist: "Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created."
· Schue dancing suggestively with a bowler hat in front of hundreds of screaming teenagers.
GLEESARY
Gumming -- (v.) What glee club members would be doing if they had no teeth, and could not sing.
Donkey with a wooden leg -- (n.) Actually, I have no idea what this means. Coach Beiste used it to describe Finn's gawking stare after she told Artie that he could be on the football team.
Britney Spears sex riot -- (n.)The kind of out-of-control hormonal revelry that erupts after Mr. Schue dances suggestively to "Toxic."
POP QUIZ
1. Brittany rinses her mouth out with ____ after she brushes her teeth.
a) Chocolate milk
b) Bleach
c) Hawaiian Punch
d) Soda
2. There was one black actor aside from Amber Riley in last night's episode. Which of the following characters did he play?
a) The janitor who mops the floors while Rachel dances in the hallway to "Hit Me Baby One More Time"
b) The yearbook photographer who Brittany mistakes for a paparazzo and hits in the face with an umbrella
c) The football player who threatens to beat up Finn and then later cat-calls to Rachel in the hallway, "Ohh baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on!"
d) A substitute French teacher
3. How many cavities did Brittany have?
a) 38
b) 48
c) 58
d) 68
4. Which of the following lines did Brittany not have in last night's episode?
a) "This room looks like that spaceship I was on when I was probed."
b) "Please don't pull all my teeth. When I'll smile, I'll look like an adult baby butt with boobs."
c) "Are you a cat?"
d) "It looks like a Jewish crown."
5. What does Schue explain as a metaphor for everything that was wrong with his life?
a) His old hair style
b) His old car
c) His ex-wife's fake pregnancy
d) His teeth-grinding habit
6. How does Schue choose to demonstrate his frustration originally after confronting his ex-wife?
a) By hate-singing a few lines from "The Bitch is Back."
b) By shrieking in the boys bathroom until all of the mirrors shatter and doves cry somewhere in the distance.
c) By pulling his signature hairstyle into tight cornrows.
d) By punching the air and kicking the ground.
7. Miraculously, Ryan Murphy waited ___ minutes before giving Sue Sylvester a line in last night's episode.
a) 5 minutes
b) 11 minutes
c) 17 minutes
d) 23 minutes
8. Last night, Artie fantasized about _____.
a) Wearing a McKinley High football uniform
b) Singing "Stronger" on the football field
c) Doing one-armed bench presses
d) All of the above
9. Who is Sue Sylvester's lawyer?
a) Gloria Allred
b) God
c) Herself
d) Edgar Snyder
Answers: 1) d; 2) c; 3) d; 4) d; 5) b; 6) d; 7) d; 8) d; 9) a