How distressing is Meredith's voice over this week, on a scale of 1 to 10? Does it give you a mild headache or chills? How about Cristina Yang's latest speech about sexism in America? Mild discomfort? What about last season when Meredith suffered a miscarriage in the operating room at gunpoint while watching someone perform emergency surgery on her husband? Excruciating pain? Now with Movieline's weekly Grey's Anatomy pain scale, you can measure the discomfort you suffered at the hands of Shonda Rhimes each week.
(Note: This recap is not intended to be entirely cynical, even Movieline HQ tears up after an especially poignant Mer-Der moment.)
Seeing Derek Shepherd in the Slammer
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 3. Mild Pain. This hurt, to see Meredith's pompadoured paramour dealing with his near death experience by recklessly endangering Seattle citizens. Pain decreased after Derek counseled a fellow inmate on how to care for a fight-incurred injury and Derek boldly remarked that he would never actually be charged because he saved too many cops' lives. This sounds like a challenge.
Cristina Yang Declaring White Wedding Dresses "Sexist and Vaguely Racist"
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 1. Cramps. Enh, this is classic Yang. Everything is sexist and vaguely racist to her. Fortunately she was cut short before spouting a paranoid speech about bridal magazines and their ties to Al-Qaeda.
Derek Shepherd Spontaneously Resigning as Chief
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: . No pain. Who cares? Not me.
Alex Declaring That He Is Going to Keep His Bullet Because "Chicks Dig That Crap"
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 8. Very severe. No, Karev. Chicks don't dig that crap. Please, no more throwaway lines about bullets being saved because "chicks dig it." Thanks.
Cristina Using Her Grief Counseling Session To Discuss The Great Taco She Had Just Eaten
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: -2. No pain. In fact, this was glorious and I got a contact high off of her brazenness.
Lexie Offering to Get a Patient a Gun So That She Can Die Faster
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 4. Moderate pain. Unnecessary. Overly dramatic.
Cristina and Owen's Wedding
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 7. Substantial pain. I've never been a fan of Owen, and I'm glad that Cristina finally got her wedding but...Owen?! This moment was made more painful by Meredith's voice over about how change "can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life."
Knowing that the title of last night's episode was "With You I'm Born Again"
Where It Falls On the Pain Scale: 6. Severe Pain. For you younger viewers out there, "With You I'm Born Again" is actually the title of a 1979 Motown single from Syreeta Wright and Billy Preston. It is not just the subject line of the complaint email you send to Shonda Rhimes three years from now when you realize that men like Derek Shepherd don't exist and you will never be born again via fictional dreamboat. My suggested title for the episode: "A Little Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Never Killed Anyone -- Oh Wait."