Last season, Movieline established that Glee is like crack. The first time you do it, you get a phenomenal high but as you continue using, you feel less euphoric and more chemically dependent. You become paranoid ("Schue is trying to Benedict Arnold his own club!"), delusional ("Cory Monteith actually has incredible range!") and pretty soon, you're shivering in the bathtub with Glee: The Music, Volume 3 Showstoppers skipping in the living room and no more clean spoons in the house.
If you share the same weakness, tag along with Movieline's Gleebasing installments each week to remember the highs, work through the lows and earn extra credit off of your addiction. As always, pay attention -- there will be a pop quiz.
Per usual, last night's episode of Ryan Murphy's show choir series, "Audition," was a mixed bag. Because Sue Sylvester's over-the-top female coach worked so well for the show last season, Murphy & Co. wasted no time in introducing Coach Beiste, a Trunchbullian woman of linebacker proportions who inherits the McKinley High football team from Ken Tanaka (who we learn had a nervous breakdown). When she convinces Principal Figgins to slash the Cheerios and New Directions budgets, Sue and Schue join unlikely forces in pulling grade school pranks on their new foe.
Meanwhile, the New Directions comb the hallways in search of new members for their Glee club so that they can "build a wall of sound" and not embarrass themselves in competitions this year. Finn finds a big lipped blonde in the locker room. Rachel Berry -- who reached a new Berry b*tch level last night -- stumbled upon an Filipino songbird (shout-out to Charice) in the bathroom and proceeded to make a few ESL jokes at the expense of her new competition (oh, casual racism). Let's take a look at the highs and lows.
HIGH NOTES
· Jacob Ben Israel's "Big Gay Summer" segment, in which McKinley High's gossipy blogger outed Schue as a Land's End spokesman and lover of drag queen iPods, provided the only mention of Quinn's "bastard child" and discovered that Tina and "Other Asian" are dating.
· Cory Monteith rapping about anything, especially a stash box and his "Dominicanos" while wearing gold chains and sunglasses during the Glee rendition of "Empire State of Mind."
· "When will you Glee clubbers accept the fact that people hate you and think you're nothing but a glorified karaoke club designed to make the inventors of Auto-Tune millions of dollars?"
· Sunshine and Rachel Berry's "Telephone" duet
LOW NOTES
· Gratuitous shirtless Harry Shum scene alert! Was it necessary that Mike Chang wear a hoodie unzipped to his navel and knee high socks during his King and I duet?
· Sue Sylvester ordering two dozen pizzas to Coach Beiste. Sue Sylvester tapes local news segments in which she endorses caning and littering. She frames school officials using date rape drugs. She is above pizza pranks.
· Did viewers need to see Coach Beiste crying into the mirror while applying lipstick to realize that she was misunderstood?
· Sue Sylvester's five-minute anti-breast implant tirade. Really, Glee, you are against teenagers who don't embrace their true selves? I had no idea.
POP QUIZ
1. According to Sue Sylvester, what kind of people are "sins against nature?"
a) Men who sing Guns N' Roses in the shower.
b) Female football coaches.
c) Babies.
d) Male nurses.
2. Which characters had surgery over the summer?
a) Puck
b) Santana
c) Ken Tanaka
d) Quinn
3. Even though Artie is in a wheelchair, he still aspires to...
a) Master stilts.
b) Set McKinley High's DDR record.
c) Break dance.
d) Play football.
4. How many times was the phrase "balls in my mouth" shamelessly used in last night's episode?
a) 0
b) 1
c) 2
d) 5
5. According to Kurt, fashion has no _______.
a) faults
b) prejudice
c) gender
d) boundaries
6. Rachel Berry achieved Gleebasing icon status last night by giving her sworn enemy directions to a _________ instead of the New Directions audition.
a) abortion clinic
b) crack house
c) Dr. Drew's rehab in Pasadena
d) Bennigan's
7. According to Puck, Helen Keller could not drive because she was _____.
a) a Canadian.
b) blind.
c) deaf.
d) a woman.
8. Captain Beiste declares that she is the Captain of the ________.
a) USS Kick*ss
b) USS Backtalk
c) USS Steroids
d) USS Gender Reassignment Surgery
9. How many lines did Emma Pillsbury have in last night's episode?
a) 0
b) 2
c) 4
d) 6
10. Quinn and Santana's hallway cat fight does NOT include which of the following elements?
a) A remix of Christina Aguilera's "Dirty"
b) Allegations of sluttiness and surgery.
c) B*tch slapping.
d) Hair pulling.
Answers: 1) b and d; 2) a and b; 3) d; 4) b; 5) c; 6) b; 7) d; 8) a; 9) a; 10) a