The Mike & Molly Fat Joke Tracker: 'She's a Brick House'

There is only one reason why you, esteemed readers, would watch Chuck Lorre's formulaic new sitcom about a pair of overweight Chicago lovebirds: the fat jokes. And boy, are there fat jokes. (Well, if you define a fat joke as "any line about beefy gals and White Castle drive-thru deaths followed immediately by a cringeworthy laugh track.") And now, thanks to Movieline's new weekly feature The Mike & Molly Fat Joke Tracker, you don't even have to sit through the CBS show to catch the most offensive jabs. Herewith, last night's tasteless disses from the Mike & Molly pilot.

"I would shoot you right now but I don't have enough chalk to outline your body." -- Mike's cop partner

"She's a brick house. Uh, uh. She's mighty, mighty. Just letting it all hang out. Cause she's a brick house." -- Molly singing while on the elliptical

"Why don't you take her to one of those lesbo clubs? They seem to like the beefy gals!" -- Molly's mom

"I'm going to sneak into the little girls room and light up a fatty. [To Overeaters Anonymous members within earshot] No offense, fellows." -- Molly's sister

"I had a pretty fair week. I lost three pounds. Then I took off my shirt and found it here." -- Mike

"I did have one setback this week. I went to the store and they were having a sale on those fun-size candies for Halloween. So I pick up a bag figuring I'm going to need something for the trick-or-treaters. Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the check-out with 19 of the fun little bastards jammed in my mouth, trying to say 'plastic.'" -- Mike

"Dammit, one of y'all got to inhale." -- Mike's partner, to a crowd of OA members wheezing as they climb up the stairs.

"I figure if everybody's laughing they won't try to cook and kill each other." -- Mike about his OA group

"The pothead had jungle fever and you could have gotten the other one with a taffy apple." -- Mike's partner on Molly and her sister

"You met her at an OA meeting. If she sticks her hand [under your shirt] and doesn't find a bra, she's going to be ecstatic." -- Mike's partner

"This isn't dinner. This is a suicide with meatballs for bullets." -- Mike's partner

"[Losing three pounds] isn't a big deal. My farts weigh three pounds." -- Mike

"Sweet Jesus. It's like hugging a futon." -- Mike's partner, while hugging Mike

"I'm good but I don't think that table's up to code." -- Mike, after inadvertently crushing a table underneath him

"Once my dad had to write a check for $280 to the Girl Scouts of America for 'unaccounted cookies.'" -- Molly

"I'd like to walk into a club without every queen jumping on me like I'm a gay pride float." -- Molly

"I don't want to keel over in a White Castle drive-thru like my dad. And it was his third lap." -- Molly