Uh, so, who watched the first part of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion last night? It was an emotionally scarring, 75-minute display of primal Jersey rage punctuated by hair touch-ups, crocodile tears, and Andy Cohen's sh*t-shirring questions. Because it was so spectacularly explosive, profanity-laced, and over-the-top, I decided to recap last night's trauma by the numbers rather than using Movieline's standard reality check format (because we can all agree that everything seen last night was very real, beginning with Andy Cohen's fear). As Danielle would say, I promise this will be very "therapeutical" for everyone.
Number of times Andy Cohen asked a housewife to reveal her diet secrets: 1 (to Caroline Manzo)
Number of showy gold accent tables in front of Andy Cohen: 2
Number of minutes into the episode before a cast member called Danielle a pig: 3
Number of comically oversized "Queen of Hearts" playing cards decorating the set for seemingly no purpose whatsoever: 2
Number of eye roll cutaways: (Off the charts, Movieline's patented Eye Roll Counter overheated before the first commercial break)
Number of times Teresa stood up, ran over to Danielle and shouted in her face, "Do not break up my family! You f*cking b*tch! You piece of sh*t! You motherf*cker! You are a piece of garbage! You f*cking b*tch! You f*cking b*tch! She's a f*cking piece of sh*t. She's a pig!": 1
Number of zebra print pillows thrown: 3
Number of times a cast member walked off set before the first commercial break: 1
Number of flamboyant hairdressers who tried to calm the housewives at different times during the reunion: 2
Number of times Andy Cohen silently contemplated quitting mid-episode: Approximately 3
Number of times Teresa talked to Andy Cohen like he was her personal b*tchfight assistant: 1 ("You better get her back out here, Andy, the chickensh*t that she is! Get her a** out here.")
Number of times Andy Cohen warned Teresa not to get off the couch: 2
Number of lesbian singer-songwriters who may or may not be involved with a housewife waiting backstage: 1
Number of times Caroline cried while discussing her son's learning disability: 1
Number of vacation houses referenced where Danielle allegedly straddled a male suitor in front of Teresa's children: 1
Number of times Danielle's hair stylist chanted "Amazing things" to calm Danielle backstage: 4 (pictured above)
Number of sex tapes Danielle admitted to having: 2
Number of Danielle's sex tapes Andy admitted to having watched: 0
Number of times that Teresa tried to establish a sex tape timeline based on the length of Danielle's extensions: 2
Number of housewives that admitted to shaving their faces: 1 (Caroline)
Number of times that Caroline used the phrase "sweat hog reject:" 1
Number of times that Caroline told Danielle, "You are in the OK corral. Buckle up:" 1
Number of times that Caroline admitted that she respected prostitutes: 1
Number of times Andy Cohen referenced the ham game: 2
Number of parolee marriages that Danielle allegedly broke up while shooting the second season: 1
Number of children Danielle allegedly tried to take away from former cast member Dina: 1
Number of times Bravo showed a preview of next week's episode in which Danielle pulls what appears to be her damaged weave out of a bowler's bag: 3