It's been an eventful season of True Blood, and Russell's little newscast interruption a few weeks ago should be setting the stage for some pre-finale insanity, right? Not exactly, unless you expect the season's penultimate episode to include vital subplots about Hoyt's mom and that one quarterback that Jason beat up that one time. Take a look as we tally up the episode's sex, violence, and weird choices:
· After pointlessly leaving Sookie at Jason's in the last episode so he could get his lowlights recolored, Bill is SO MAD that he can't find her. He storms into Fangtasia looking for Sookie, and Pam calls him an "infatuated tween," but have a little sympathy Pam, Bill will never find someone else on this show whose name is so much fun to say out loud. They fight, and she sprays silver in his face, as one is wont to do. (Violence: +3)
· Downstairs, Yvetta frees Sookie, who comes marching upstairs to break up the Pam-and-Bill fight by chaining Pam around the neck. For as many times as this trick gets pulled on vampires, you'd think they'd invest in a few mock turtlenecks. (Violence: +2)
· Lafayette/Jesus vision quest hangover time! They cuddle a little and chat about the montage they got in last week's episode. "Man, it just went on and on, and just as you thought another scene would begin, it just kept going," they say, or maybe I muttered that part out loud. Still, Laffy may not have completely come down from his V trip, because he hallucinates a scary mask comin' at him, witch doctor style. (Violence: +1, Sex: +1)
· Crystal is explaining her werepanther-ness to Jason, and she's typically mean to him. Did these two even ever have sex? Why is he so invested in her? It's too bad that the best new love interest this season was Franklin, a sadly deceased psychopath. (Really, This Scene is in the Penultimate Episode: +4)
· Jessica and Hoyt make out, and he's still feeling the effects of the V. "I feel like I have muscles where I didn't have muscles," he murmurs. No, Hoyt, we like you because you don't really have muscles. They talk about how Jessica killed the trucker, but the super-supportive Hoyt unzips his jacket and offers his blood to Jessica. At first, I fear that the south-of-the-equator Jessica is going to take blood from Hoyt's no-no place, but she goes for the neck instead. He's pretty fine with it. No one on this show seems super fazed by getting bitten, ever. I hate even stubbing my toe! (Violence: +5, Sex: +8)
· Russell is still crazy and is having a conversation with Eric. Where are they? A museum? Russell's mansion? What's happening? Why is Russell dressed in an oversized army jacket like Linda Cardellini from Freaks and Geeks? Eric offers Russell the power of daywalking (which my spellcheck keeps converting into "jaywalking") and a cheek-caressing Russell is intrigued. The Russell/Eric conversations are much better now that Alexander Skarsgard isn't choreographing how uncomfortable he is with fake gay flirting. (Sex: +1)
· Pam is freed from her chains by Fangtasia's barmaid. Both of them get what they're built for when Pam bites into her for sustenance and the barmaid screams. (Violence: +3)
· Merlotte's. Holly is giving Arlene are going over an abortion recipe that I certainly hope does not accidentally make its way into the Merlotte's kitchen. Angry Sam comes in and shoves people and calls someone ugly. Sam is mad at everyone because he had nothing to do all season, and I am sympathetic, but you are not helping your case any here, Sam. Also, if they must go the "Sam is now a mean, spiraling alcoholic" route, I would much rather see him sulk in the corner, drunkenly criticize Andy Bellefleur's acting, and post nasty Facebook messages about Sookie at 3am that he forgets about until a panicked moment the next day. Much more realistic! (Violence: +2)
· A frustrated Jason calls Sookie and wants to know where she is. Just assume this happens in every episode. Aimless, Jason wanders onto the high school football field and watches Kitch, who seems to have football throwing superpowers. Maybe he's a were-quarterback. (Really, This Scene is in the Penultimate Episode: +2)
· A Mama Fortenberry subplot? Sure! She is mad that Hoyt isn't into Summer. Of all the Mama Fortenberry loose ends that needed to be hastily reintroduced at the end of the season, I would much rather know how the Wii-lovin' Mama F is doing on Metroid: Other M. Has she gotten the best ending yet? (Really, This Scene is in the Penultimate Episode: +10)
MIDWAY POINT: It's a tie! Violence is tied with our confusion that Really, These Scenes are in the Penultimate Episode, with both of those meters currently at 16. (Sex is bringing up the rear with 10 points.)
· At Merlotte's, Sam and Tommy fight. Tommy's vaguely unnerving man-crush on his own brother is over. (Violence: +3)
· Sookie and Bill play-act a better life where maybe they could live happily ever after and their wedding would warrant a cover sidebar in Us Weekly. Their reverie is interrupted when Eric and Russell pop up, Paper Mario style (look, once you get me started with the Nintendo references, I'm not going to stop) and hilariously stop the car with their bare hands. (Violence: +3)
· Jason guesses that Kitch is using V, which is kind of a gimme since everyone in this episode is on V. "V's a illegal substance," Jason says. I love that Jason is too dumb to use a/an correctly. (Really, This is in the Penultimate Episode: +4)
· In a scene straight out of Joel Schumacher's Twelve, a tripping Lafayette hallucinates that his dolls are alive and murderous. Lafayette really is best when he's the weirdest person in a scene, and in a season that's had him act opposite Alfre Woodard and talking dolls, I'm not sure that he's being used to his best potential. (Really, This is in the Penultimate Episode: +5)
· After going to Eggs's grave and confronting Andy, a morose Tara bonds with Sam at Merlotte's, then bangs him. Boo, Tara and Jason is so much better. I was hoping Tara would get a meaty plot next season where she must mull suffering through Jason's incredible dimness to put up with his incredible hotness. This is a quandary underrepresented on television. (Sex: +7)
· Arlene has a vision where she's fishing, but not in Sookie's magic fairy lake of mid-day drinking. When she wakes up, her lower region is covered in blood, but she's eerily calm about it -- that is, until she gets to the hospital and learns that the baby is still fine. Not much happened here, but even so, the Arlene scenes have been really good lately. (Violence: +3)
· Crystal and Jason make out and she tries to get Jason to help her....save Hotshot? Ugh, Jason, go back to Tara. (Sex: +2, Really, This is in the Penultimate Episode: +3)
· At Fangtasia, Russell doesn't believe that Sookie is a fairy. She had trouble with that one too, Russ. Bill sells her out, though, and Russell and Eric both bite into Sookie so they can drink her special jaywalking daywalking blood. OK, finally someone is getting bitten on this show and doesn't seem to like it. (Violence: +5)
· Newly immune to the sun, Eric goes outside into the daylight. Russell blood-cries. Pam blood-cries. Russell goes outside to exult in the power, then gets handcuffed to Eric. You see, the fairy blood was only temporary! It's like in Mario Galaxy 2 when Yoshi eats those yellow berries that give him the power to see platforms, and once that wears off, you're screwed. No really. It is. (Violence: +3)
FINAL TALLY: In the end, Violence won out with 35 points, but at least the Inexplicably Penultimate Scenes beat Sex, 28 to 19. Keep your fingers crossed for the finale! And Sam, put down that vodka bottle.